Marilyn Monroe

Alright people, let´s have a little chat. There´s been some memes floating around the net recently and when I say recently, what I´m actually saying is that they´ve been around for a couple years. Whatever. I have been seeing a surge of Marylin Monroe based memes on facebook in the last week or so. I´m certain you´ve seen them, the pictures with Marilyn standing next to a current model or actress who happens to be skinnier than a rail with a caption along the lines of ´Fuck Society; This is what real beauty used to look like´ or something like ´This is what a healthy woman looks like´.

There´s a lot of guys who are patting themselves on the back for liking this or agreeing with these statements. People acting like internet white knights, riding their silver haired horse to save the helpless damsel in distress. So I figured, being one of the few sane people on this miserable green space rock, I´d chime in with an opinion.

Dudes, Marylin Monroe was a lot of things. She was an actress, a model, a celebrity and easily the biggest sex symbol of her day. She was also mistreated, abused, passsed around like a toy by one of the most powerful families in America and she was a pill popping junkie. A typical day in her life started off with cleaning one of the Kennedy brothers spooge out of her vag, followed by dropping a dozen barbiturates into a class of scotch. I´d say she´d be crying but we´re talking about a woman who grew up in orphanages and foster homes, a woman who was depressed as shit but put on a brave face and smiled for the camera. Marylin was hard as fuck. Beautiful, yes. Healthy? No fucking way. If you have a daughter, the last role model you´d want is Marylin Monroe.

Point two. I get the idea, you´re comparing old school actresses with the new ones, saying the skinny new ones are sickly looking and the old ones are ´what women should look like´. I put that last phrase in quotation marks for a reason. White knights, you´re doing two things here, two things that I know piss a lot of women off.

First, you´re comparing women with... other women. I once had a girlfriend call her makeup her ´Warpaint´. She wasn´t fucking kidding. Women have been urged to compete against each other. Compete for jobs, compete for men, compete for status. Women aren´t pokemon. We´re not gonna stick ´em in a ring and have them duke it out. Nor would I ever use the phrase ¨Gotta catch ´em all¨.

Second, and this is the reason I put that phrase ´what women should look like´, is that you don´t get to decide what women look like. I mean that in both senses of the phrase. You don´t get to pick what you are going to look like. I´ve known one girl, who was a thick girl, literally eat nothing but salad, did a two hour workout every day and literally was pumping herself full of drugs to lose weight. When I say pumping herself of drugs, I mean going to the doctor and GETTING HERSELF INJECTED WITH DRUGS TO LOSE WEIGHT. That´s seriously fucked up. On the flip side, I´ve seen skinny girls pound back steaks, drink shakes and stuff themselves stupid trying to gain weight. Big girl envy thin girls with tight stomachs, thin girls envy big girls with their big ol´ titties. Everybody is miserable. Also, you don´t like the way a girl looks? Ain´t your fucking business, ain´t your decision.

That´s the end of my rant. A lot of boys out there might think I´m kissing ass right now. Truth is, most of my friends are women. I´d rather chill over a glass of wine with a bunch of ladies that hang with a bunch of dudes. I´ve got a group of men I´m super tight with, but the sad truth is that men are hard to find these days. My boys don´t dress and act like clowns when we´re out. Straight up solid group.

One day I´ll get around to writing about where all the real men went. I´ll just say this right now; if your idea of manliness is based on what kind of vehicle you drive, what kind of cocktail you drink or how big your muscles are, then you my friend are a boy trapped in a man´s body and you probably take beer commercials way too seriously. You can fool a lot of people, you ain´t fooling me. But the first step in the right direction is to stop judging women based on what they look like. I thank whatever dead God you believe in everyday that my ass isn´t taken into account when I go for a job interview. And that folks is something, as a male, I get the privilege of.

Sincerely,

The Illustrious Mr. Charlton

p.s. If I ever order a Cosmopolitan at a bar and some motherfucker calls me out on it, the next thing I´m ordering is a tall glass of I´m gonna fuck your girlfriend.