A month and a half ago, a young woman by the name Mackenzie Pearson wrote an article titled "Why Girls Love the Dad Bod". It was a harmless little article that, summed up, stated that Mackenzie was attracted to guys who weren't in top physical condition. She wasn't into dudes who use words like 'shredded' or 'severe body-dysmorphia' to describe themselves. Cool, whatever. Personally, I've resigned to the idea that I like being skinny and limber, but, you know, whatever. Unfortunately, the internet decided to build a brick house by collectively shitting one out.
The Internet's Poop House (1)
Numerous articles starting popping up, either praising the new movement as a godsend, or denouncing it as some sort of Jihad against gym rats. When I say blow up, this article exploded into articles, podcasts and was talked about on air, covered by major news channels such as CNN and FOX. Here, I did a search for you.
Now, I've got a bit of news for you, dad bod dudes. Even though it's hard to believe, women around the world who read this article didn't lobotomize themselves into finding this sexy. It's tough to fathom, but there's no switch on the backside of women that has an 'on/off' switch for dudes rocking a gut. That's not how it works. Our friend Mackenzie was stating a preference that's pretty well known in the world of people who have the slightest shred of perception on human sexuality. People have a preference that varies among person to person. Some women dig the dad bod! Some women love guys with washboard abs and veiny arms. It was like that before the article and it will continue to be like that well after the article is forgotten about.
I'm not surprised that a bunch of lazy guys got up to pat themselves on the back after this article was released. I'm a little more surprised at the fitness side of the line, though. The amount of whining that came from that camp was deafening. It seems that every motivational image that shouted 'I get in shape for ME!' of 'The only thing I'm trying to be better than is myself from YESTERDAY!' was the load of bullshit most of us thought it out to be. Most fit dudes aren't doing it for themselves, and have now gotten themselves into a frothy mess now that they've realised that not every woman on the planet wants to have sex with them.
I WORKED SO HARD
Look, meat heads. I get it, you're upset. You've worked really hard, and have now realized that not everybody wants to bang a human version of a Lamborghini. Welcome back to reality. Dad bods, kudos to you. You've now been presented with information confirming that, even though you don't look like Brad Pitt, someone may actually find you attractive. Crazy, I know. Just keep in mind that the number one cause of premature deaths to males is heart disease. You may want to put down the pizza and take the goddamn stairs every once and a while.
So yay, we can now celebrate all sorts of different body shapes. For men. Sorry ladies, we'd still like you to maintain the figure of an eighteen year old stripper. This body acceptance thing is a boys only club, 'cause the only thing that accessorizes a double chin is a double standard.
Sincerely,
The Illustrious Mr. Charlton
p.s. Just so everyone is aware, my calves look like granite wrapped in silk. Don't skip leg day.
p.s.s. Leg day? What I actually meant is that my calves are big because I walk around the house on the balls of my feet like a ninja.
p.s.s.s. Probably more like a ballerina, to be honest.
p.s.s.s.s. The prettiest ballerina, I might add.
(1) - Brick building by Henry Mühlpfordt
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