My friend got me started on 'The Malazan Book of the Fallen' series, a ten book mega-novel that spans three continents (maybe more), more characters than I have appendages, and god knows how many wizards, assassins, thieves, ghosts, demons, gods, races, species and animals that have been made up.
It is ok.
It's cheesy. Shit, one of the character's name is 'WhiskeyJack'. The author came up with the name by looking at the bottle of Jack Daniels he was obviously drinking for breakfast. Or the classic 'throw in a bunch of apostrophes' names such as 'Dhul'Lik'Ko'Meh', as if I'm going to announce that every time this asshole walks into a room.
The Fantasy Writer's Axe of Creativity.
I like books. I like to read. I think everyone does if they're given the right books. Not to long before I started this Malazan series, the very same friend gave me a book called 'Bolo!' (yes, there was in fact an exclamation at the end of the title). That book was about sentient tanks in the future. It was cheesy as sin and not exactly well written. But I ate it up! I couldn't put the stupid book down. What I noticed between the cheesy sci-fi novel and the cheesy fantasy novel has been one reoccurring theme between the two genres. Sci-fi novels are most often pretty tongue and cheek, and the sci-fi that doesn't tends to be grounded in a fair amount of reality. Fantasy almost always takes itself too seriously, and well....
Look dude, or dudette, or in-between, whatever, if you're going to have fucking orcs and dragons and flying beetles the size of volkswagens in your stories, I'm gonna have a hard time taking anything else seriously. Ooooooo, a large battle between warring nations is looming on the horizon? Better hop on your flying cat-snake and find the amulet of 'Who'gives'a'shit', 'cause apparently a magic talisman is the only thing that will win the war. Somehow the winged ferret made the social overtones of your story harder to take seriously.
Need a fantasy creature? Just add wings!
Fantasy is not a serious subject that some people take way too seriously. I'm not a fan of the 'A Song of Ice and Fire' series, also known to people who only watch TV as 'Game of Thrones'. The show is alright. I tried to read the first novel in the book series years ago and I couldn't even get half way through. How many goddamn things have to 'glisten', George RR Martin? Everything in your universe glistens. That whole goddamn world is breathing heavily and sweating, It's like your fatass decided to take the stairs for once. An entire, way-too-long, pulsating, heaving series.
And that's my biggest gripe with the whole fantasy genre. Everything is a series, this mega-novel garbage. I hear this bullshit all the time, "The first book or two, he's just warming up and finding his voice. It gets REALLY good after that". Really? I have to read over a thousand pages of mediocre crap to get to the good part? That is the very definition of a shit sandwich. If I have to chow down on poop just so I can get to the really good part of the sandwich, why the fuck don't I just go and buy a sandwich that isn't half poop?
No poop on my clubhouse, thank you
I'm going to throw a little advice to writers out there regarding the mega-novel. If you are going to create a world full of characters, you can't spend the first novel giving out exposition. You're not going to be able to build that world in a book, Exposition is boring as all hell, and I'll be damned if I'll crunch through seven hundred pages of ass-flavored explanation. Also, it couldn't hurt to write a goddamn outline. A beginning, middle and an end. Don't sit here and wax the 'I'm surprised and shocked by where my characters lead me' schtick. If your characters surprise you, then you don't know your characters well enough. You know who got surprised by their characters? The writers of Lost. Look how that turned out.
The only series I've read that I thought was really well done was the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. I've only read one book of the MaddAddam series by Margaret Atwood, and I hear the rest is as good as the first book, Oryx and Crake. I've also got a mind to read the Discworld books by Terry Pratchett, the few I've read are hilarious. If someone thinks that they can recommend me a book series, I'll sit down and read it. Keep in mind though, I'm a notorious asshole, so much so that French people have been put off regarding my criticism.
I'm not against fantasy, nor am I against the mega-novel. I've yet to read a fantasy book besides Terry Pratchett's stuff that didn't have it's head up it's ass, though (I'm looking at you, Terry Goodkind). I've yet to read a mega-novel that wasn't boring as fuck for the first novel or two and a goddamn mess of loose ends by the seventh or eighth book. BUT, if you have some suggestions, send 'em my way. I can burn through a book pretty quickly.
Every piece of media these days is a series, whether it's books, movies, television, or video games. I think all of it could benefit from the 'True Detective' model, the acclaimed television series. If you're going to have a brand, there is nothing wrong with a self-contained story that takes up a single season. I thought that entire production was phenomenally done. I think the mega-novels could learn from that. But hey, if you want to write a dozen novels or have nine movies that all carry the same characters and converge on the same plot, be my guest. Keep and mind that trying to weave a pattern with hundreds of strings is difficult even if you have an idea of the tapestry your creating. If you don't have an idea, don't be surprise if your blanket looks like trash.
TL;DR: If you're writing a series of novels, have a goddamn point. They call it 'theming'. And don't take yourself so goddamn seriously. Also, The Lord of the Ring series was racist.
Middle Earth was a great neighborhood before these guys moved in.
Sincerely,
The Illustrious Mr. Charlton
p.s. Seriously though, I'll read anything. Send some ideas this way.
p.s.s. And writers, stay the fuck away from adverbs. No one 'closes the door firmly'.
p.s.s.s. You see any black elves or hobbits or wizards in LOTR? I didn't.
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