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Some have you may have probably been wondering. "When the hell is Mr. Charlton going to write another blog post? What am I going to touch myself to now? Porn?" I know people, I've been slacking off. I'd say I've been busy, which would be true, because I've been busy. Sort of.

I'm no longer living in Victoria, in fact, have decided to move back to Calgary. To the people who got me both going away gifts and bought me drinks, I'm sorry you gave me presents for what amounts to a two month vacation. Truthfully, that concept in itself is so wonderfully my style it's not even funny. Mr. Charlton gets gifts for going on vacation. Let that sink in, people. All I know is I have a wonderful taste in my mouth. Matt, Kate, Rudy and Deneen, I promise I'll whip up something tasty for you guys with the knife set you got me.

Now comes the big question. Why the fuck am I coming back to Calgary? How fucking flat on my face did I fall to come swinging back to Calgary with my tail between my legs? Shit, you read that first blog post I did in the new year. I was STOKED to be leaving Calgary. Tasty Sea treats and all that! Shucks, I might have even said a rude thing or two. Rude things may have come out of my mouth! So I'll give a play by play as to what went down in Vic and why I left.

Reason number one: I brought a really shitty little laptop with me instead of my rig.

Sad, Sad Little Machine

You see that little thing? That's a netbook. One of the first generations of netbooks. It's tiny. It's made for surfing the net. Thing is, because of it's tiny, tiny, tiny little solid state drive it can't actually hold a copy of Windows. So it runs on Linux. A Linux distribution that is no longer supported. Which meant that updating anything or installing anything like, let's say, a web browser, was going to be a crazy large pain in the ass. I am not a fan of large pains in the ass unless I'm getting spanked by a 400lb dominatrix named Big Betty.

You might be noticing something about this wordstyle hero's electronic internet journal. It's got motherfuckin' pictures now! And italics! The way I wanted it. They say a pictures worth a thousand words, so that might triple, even quadruple my output. Efficiency people, I'm all about it. And italics! There's a proper English use for them, but nuts to that malarkey. You can almost hear how damn excited I am to be using a better format. On that little guy, I couldn't even see the damn 'add picture' button. No fonts for me to play with. No damn colour. I'm not a man who likes having his options squandered. My New Years resolution was to write more. This little teeny weeny laptop was limiting my efforts and I thought the blog suffered because of it.


I'll give you an example. Here's Facebook on that little punter.

At least I didn't have to see that news ticker bullshit

Reason number two: Victoria is unfriendly and people there aren't always cool.

When I first moved to Calgary, within a week I had a place to live, a job and about 10 new friends. Not just people I worked with either, actual people I was hanging out with. Goddamn did I struggle with meeting people in Vic. Me! The guy who just randomly starts conversations with people. The guy whose let strangers  sleep on his couch in the past 'cause they seemed like okay people. Struggling! Like a fish outta water. Christ, I even joined up to Meetup.com just to find people with similar interests. I joined a damn website to meet people. It's not even a dating site or anything. I can kinda get behind that, I guess. But to use the internet to make friends? Not my deal. Wasn't cool.

Victoria? More like Dicktoria

Not to say I didn't met some totally rad people down there. The boys my brother chilled with were all kinds of rad. The people I took a bar tending class were all cool. There were cool people all over the place. Just not my people, you know? Hard to describe but I just got weird vibes about the town.

Reason number three: I have learnt I cannot live out of a backpack.

I was telling people I'd be travelling the world, having crazy adventures and touring the world Bruce Wayne style, a man on a mission to find myself. Didn't take very long. You know who hates camping? This guy. This guy right here.You know why? Fucking in a hotel room is the bomb. Fucking in a tent is going to attract bears. The only time I want to be cooking over a fire is when I've got a gas stove to use. I don't want to be more than one kilometer away from a decent cocktail. I like having a choice of suit jackets to wear. There should a damn cheese store within walking distance of where I live. And here I am telling people I'm going to go overseas and busk harmonica to see the world. 

And you know what? I wasn't going to have any crazier adventures out there than I was going to get at home. It was just going to be crazy adventures in a language that I probably wasn't going to understand, not to mention the fact that would be broke and dressed poorly. Weird shit happens to me on the way to the grocery store. I've had people dressed as bears asking me for hugs. I've been threatened by a clown. I've had girls dance in front of me and then give me money! I've gotten into hi-jinx, shenanigans and sorts of tomfoolery. Why the hell was that going to be different elsewhere? Don't get me wrong, I'll get over there one day. Not out of a backpack, though.

Reason number four: I actually need to be drafting. To keep me sane.

I've got a whole of weird nervous energy that my chosen profession sucks up like a sponge. I tend to have some weird OCD-like tendencies that start to bloom if I'm not doing anal retentive artwork. My career is so finicky, so picky that all this energy gets eaten up and then some. It frees my mind so I can be myself. The uglier the project, the better. When I'm not doing it, I start to get squirrelly and strange. This is hard on me and the people around me. Idle hands are the devil's plaything and he was using my hands to touch people inappropriately (metaphorically touching).

Reason number five: I missed my friends.

Sounds sappy, I know. God awful truth. I really missed hanging with people I had some to know over the last ten years. I don't want to go out and make a whole new mess of friends. I liked the mess of friends I already have. Some people I haven't seen in WAY too long. Was that how I was going to go out? Not giving a proper goodbye? My departure was rushed and sloppy and it bothered me. People come and people go, but there was a lot of people I want to keep, even it's just for a bit longer.

So there you have it. The reason I'm headed back. Back to the land of plentiful work and cold-as-all-hell winters. Back to a pub where most people know my name. Back to the people I'm not quite done with. 

And goddamnit, back to the place I love calling home. Even if it is just Calgary.

Sincerely,

The Illustrious Mr. Charlton.

p.s. And where in the all flying hell was I going to get another bowl of that crazy Pho that's made downtown? I used to eat there at least every couple of weeks. I mean, that satay sauce they use is just so damn creamy, I get all hot and bothered just thinking about it.