Banging a Dolphin

The internet never ceases to amaze me. If there is ever a point in my small little life that makes me feel like I´ve chosen the wrong path or I haven´t succeeded, I head straight to the tubes and bask in the glory that is the internet. Usually I head to a website called Reddit because it´s basically 4chan with a filter. If none of this makes sense to you, you are more than welcome to google both of these websites, although I urge caution when heading to 4chan. As 4han can rarely offer both insight and wisdom, it is mostly known to provide perhaps the most twisted images from the bowels of the network.

Anyhoo, if I ever feel the need to talk about something other than myself on the ol´ blog here, I figured that due to my nature of coming to a conclusion with neither evidence or research I could simply wander the halls of cyberspace and comment about a story or a new fact that I learned or a political movement that I should perhaps rally myself behind. Or, you know, I could talk about a guy who wrote a book about banging a dolphin.

Let me just get this off my chest. I´m not an advocate of animal fuckers. That isn´t what Mr. Charlton is about. The thought of meerkats running all over my naked body doesn´t get me hot and bothered. The sight of a giraffe, with it´s long, slender neck doesn´t pull weight in my bathing suit area. Let´s not even get started on how two hermaphroditic slugs getting it on isn´t a steamy affair.

Wikipedia actually has a page on zoophilia and apparently furry porn has been around for quite some time. One of of the first images of beastiality was a dude with an erect penis standing behind a donkey. Standing a little too close, if you catch my drift. My mind wandered back to high school english class, where we talked about ancient greek gods banging animals or turning into animals to get banged. People fucking their pets isn´t a new phenomenon, apparently.

I´m not going down the road and talking about furries or yiffies or whatever the fuck they call themselves. That mine of weirdness is a vein far too rich to be harvested in one blog. Especially when I have the topic of man/dolphin coitus to talk about.

I´m gonna say this right off the bat. He didn´t rape the dolphin. Dolphins are incredibly powerful animals that could mess you up two ways to Sunday if you ever pissed one off on their turf. They´re also incredibly sexual animals and have been known to enjoy sex, engage in sex for fun, engage in gang bangs and all sorts of kinky stuff. Flipper doesn´t fool around when getting his rocks off.

So what ended up happening, you may be asking yourself? I have no idea, as I haven´t read his book, so I´ve decided to obscure facts by making shit up.

Peter Seafarrow, a tall, handsome man is at Seaworld one day, after a particularly nasty breakup from his girlfriend. To cheer himself up, he decided to treat himself to a fifteen minute swim with the dolphins. He heads to the change room, where he dons a banana hammock thong and greases his perfectly toned bronze body before he heads to the tank. Jumping right in, he swims out a little to where the dolphins are. The dolphins are splashing and playing dolphin games. He looks to the right and his breath is taken away in an instant. He spies this beautiful creature, this wet goddess glide through the pool and right up to him. She looks him in the eye and he gazes back into hers. Finally, after what feels like an eternity, he asks ¨My, aren´t you a lovely creature. What is your name?¨ She raises her head to repond ¨Eek-EEEK-eeekekeke-EEEEEEKKKKKK.¨

The man is stunned. ¨I wasn´t aware you had such a lovely singing voice. Perhaps this is a bit forward, but would you care to dine with me tonight? I know of a lovely little seafood restaurant.¨  She playfully poked his belly with her snout. ¨EEEEKK-EEEEK!¨ He smiled. ¨I´ll pick you up at eight.¨

Later that evening, after a few bottle of wine and a few buckets of sardines, they head back to his place, where they begin to...

Alright, I promise I didn´t write erotic dolphin fiction on porpoise. We´ll keep this PG-13, I´m not going a step further. If you´re really interested, the website about the dolphin incident book is actually called wetgoddess.net. The link is safe for work, certainly not safe for the mind.


Sincerely,

The Illustrious Mr. Charlton

p.s. If you think this was twisted, one day I´ll post my erotic pokemon fanfiction. You´ll wonder why you even talked to me in the first place.

p.s.s. Yes, the entire piece was written just so I could use that pun in the last paragraph.