What an admirable specimen. At what cycle does it gestate?
Whatever is stopping me from having children certainly isn't stopping my friends, however. Babies are popping up left, right and center in my world and I'm very glad and happy for my friends that are experiencing the wonders of parenthood.
This post is not about those people. Oh, if you ARE one of these people, feel free to keep reading. But if you are popping out a little spawn of yourself, you have my well wishes and the best of my luck that I can spare (I can spare a ton, people. I eat four-leafed clovers and shit out golden horseshoes wearing rabbits feet).
Something like that, anyways
This post is for my friends that, like myself, are not making babies. And there's actually quite a few. Most of them are lamenting the fact that their friends are also having babies. Their relationship with their friends is crumbling, they say. They don't come over nearly as often, they'll muse. No longer can this person come over and hang out to chill, they sing. And when they do come over, it seems to be on their terms, they may also leave at a moments notice. People without children, let me tell you a story.
Last week, I made plans with a very good friend of mine to hit up T&T market and show him around this crazy place (ulterior motive was to pick up sushi rice). He mentions that he's grocery shopping with the wife and kid that morning and he'll give me a buzz at some point in the afternoon. Afternoon rolls around and I've yet to hear from him, so I drop him a line. He can't make it, he texts me, he forgot about a birthday party he has to take the family to. He asks me if I want to go tomorrow.
Now, I could have been pissed off at this point for him not scheduling better, but Mr. Charlton hates schedules and that is not how I get things done. No big deal, I tell him, we'll make it happen tomorrow.
Tomorrow rolls around and he grabs me while I'm out and about. We swing on over to T&T and start shopping around. Mind you he's never been to T&T and for the uninitiated, it can be a crazy weird time. We wonder around commenting on the weird cuts of meat, I take him over to where you can buy Japanese pre-made coffee-in-a-pop-can (I buy one for him and I), I buy a bag of 'Roller Coasters' chip snacks with the promise that they are made from potatoes, happiness and crack cocaine, and finally we grab my sushi rice.
I swear that snack is made from rainbows
We're on our way to pickup some takeout for us and his family back home, when he confesses to me that they never did end up going to the birthday party the day before. He says that both the wife and kid have been sick and he's been busy and burnt out over it. He ended up crashing for a bit. He apologizes profusely for lying to me. He didn't want to become 'that guy' that blows of his friends because he has family, but shit, sometimes family will make that happen. He seems a little distraught about the whole ordeal.
So I look at my friend and tell him that I understand completely. I know he has a wife and kid, and that means that he's going to have to be doing a lot of wife and kid shit. I tell him that in no way am I going to think less of him because he might have to blow me off occasionally. I also let him know that I don't mind tagging along and doing wife and kid shit, 'cause he's my friend and even doing something fucking mundane like picking up paint at Home Depot can be a blast if you're with a buddy. After that, we grabbed Vietnamese takeout, went back to his place, and proceeded to eat and watch Transformers 3 while his two year old played with the remote, changed the channel constantly, muted the volume twice and spent the entire movie playing the theme song of the Backyardigans on the IPhone over and over and over again.
There's two morals to this story. First, if you don't have kids but your friends do, and you want to hang out with them, you better get used to doing family shit. Period. You better be prepared that your time spent together is no longer going to be about drinking beer and playing video games, but doing family shit like grocery shopping, fixing up the house, and family friendly activities. You better be prepared to deal with an energetic, loud, occasionally shrieking, pissing, shitting and puking little toddler. And goddamnit, you better be prepared to have the theme song to the Backyardigans burned into your brain for the rest of your existence.
It's not even a catchy theme song
That's just the way it is. Your friends lives are changing, and if you want to keep them in your life, you're going to have to understand that. They simply don't have the resources (time, money AND energy) to devote an extended amount of focus on you anymore. A night out now involves a $50 surcharge for a babysitter and if you've got another mouth to feed, that's a lot of money. We have a word for people who would rather drink and party than raise their children. They're called deadbeats.
The second moral of the story? If they really are your friend, then it doesn't matter WHAT you're doing, because anytime you're hanging out with a good friend, even the shittiest of activities can be rad. The asshole I was talking about earlier? Shit, we met at work when I was in school and I had a great time going to work (although the amount of work we did could be contested). There's a group of people that seem to think you need an activity in order to pass the time. All I need is someone with a sense of humour and the ability to bullshit with me.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, and just because I never want children doesn't mean I didn't want to be part of the village. It was just that my role in said village was going to different, that's all. I keep hearing about new couples who lose their friends and I never wanted that to happen to my friends. I think it may have also had to do with the fact that I always knew that my friends were going to have children, and that prepared me for it when it did happen.
Long story short, just because you weren't going to have children doesn't mean you are going to get away from not having to deal with children. It just means that at the end of the night, they have to go home, put their kid to bed, and get to bed themselves. You can stay up and drink scotch and have sex until three in the morning.
Besides, hanging out with my buddy's kid is a pretty awesome experience. Every time I'm over he's learned a new word, is chatting more and acting like a bigger jerk. He's already learned no! I can't wait to teach him things that are going to make his parents despise me (first up is the 'Song That Never Ends').
Lamp Chops? I think you means 'Parent Nightmare Fuel'
To the people without children, it might be rough, but you're going to have to learn that the game has changed. You're either going to have to change yourselves or find new people to play the game with.
To the people with children, the only issue I'm going to bring up is the fact that occasionally the phrase "Well, when you have children" or "Well, when you get older and mature" comes out as if I was fucking joking about not procreating. In all seriousness, the things I would like to accomplish in this life are taking up a shitload of my time, and fitting a family in there simply isn't viable. I've got crazy plans and I'm crazy selfish about them. If you've read this blog and I hear those words or variations of those words spring up, I'm going to give books to your children along the lines of 'How to Lie Effectively' and 'How to Win Every Argument - The Use and Abuse of Logic'. Enjoy trying to raise a teenager that understands and contorts human social dynamics.
Sincerely,
The Illustrious Mr. Charlton
p.s. Also, if I ever do have a kid, you'll know right away, because the Earth will tear, and my child will emerge from the depths on a chariot of fire. It'll have three heads, one a lion, one a snake and the last a human's, and it will be covered in hot pitch as it rides across the sky, burning our civilization to the ground.
p.s.s. By that extent, not having children means I'm saving the human race, ergo, I am actually a hero and the savior of mankind. You are very welcome.
p.s.s.s. I'm not sure if the thanks is enough for your savior. You owe me a sandwich.
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