Idle No More, From the Mouth of an Incredibly Entitled White Man

Goddamnit people, really now, you're going to make me talk about this, aren't you? Oh, I WAS going to write a hilarious post about Lance Armstrong finally having the ball to come clean about his drug use. So thanks, people. You just ruined a Goddamn joke about sack cancer. I fucking hope you're happy. Now I have to talk about this bullshit and why everybody is an asshole.

I'm going to be frank. Every single post that I've seen regarding Idle No More has been pretty stupid. All of them. If you've been posting stuff for or against the movement, chances are I've seen it. Chances are high that I wasn't impressed either. So I'm here, as a representative of white people everywhere, I come forward as their King, to explain very clearly why both parties are completely wrong.

Oooooo, I should also mention that out of both parties, neither include the actual people protesting, a.k.a the First Nations people. They actually have a pretty good reason for protesting, the same reason they've protested in the past and the reason they are more than likely going to protest again unless things are figured out. I've got no beef with them, in fact, I agree with the movement. That's not saying I have criticism or varying ideas, but that's neither here nor there. The parties that happen to be completely out to lunch on the subject are in two camps. The 'Entitled White Assholes who don't understand why the First Nation people are protesting in the first place', and the 'Entitled White Assholes with university degrees who are stunningly bad at explaining exactly why the First Nation people are protesting in the first place'.

I'm almost convinced that a degree in sociology will actually lower a person's IQ

So, let me talk to the first group, the 'Entitled White Assholes who don't understand why the First Nation people are protesting in the first place'. I'm not actually mad at y'all. You see, the other camp has been pretty ignorant on exactly what an average entitled white asshole would know about Treaty laws, not to mention most of you work in trades or went to school for something useful. What you have to understand is that when party #2 starts throwing around words like 'Solidarity' and 'Hegemony' or concepts like 'White Privilege' or 'Colonization', they're actually talking about something quite a bit deeper, it's just that you need to spend a lot of time learning and reading about the subjects to understand exactly what the fuck they are talking about. Don't worry, ol' Mr. Charlton here is gonna define some things.

White Privilege.

Fuck you Mr. Charlton! I've worked for everything I got!

Whoa whoa, Lone Star, let me explain this idea for a sec. White privilege doesn't mean you get money handed to you at birth, or that you get a free handy at the local rub-and-tug. Part of what it means is that because of your skin color, society at large will make a stereotypical assumption about your character. When you're white, that stereotypical assumption is void. 

Let me give you an example. Let's say Peter McWhity, John Runs-with-Dreamcatchers and Darkay Token are hanging out at party. Things are winding down, so the three friends nab a bottle of cheap scotch from the liquor cabinet and head down the road, passing it amongst each other. They finish the bottle and head their separate ways. Both Peter McWhity and John RWD hop on the transit. When Peter gets on the train, somebody sees them and thinks to them self  "Man, that guy is WASTED". When John hops on a bus, somebody sees them and thinks to them self  "Man, that guy is WASTED. Why are Native people drunk ALL THE TIME?". Spot the difference?

The next day, Peter McWhity gets confronted by one of the home owners about the missing scotch. Peter fesses up. Home owner thinks to himself  "That guy is an ASSHOLE". One of the other home owners confronts Mr. Token about the missing scotch. Darkay confesses. Home owner thinks to himself  "That guy is an ASSHOLE. I should have known it was the black guy!". 

This sort of thing happens all the time, and is damaging to the group as a whole. Part of what white privilege means your personal actions aren't going to count against your entire ethnicity. These subconscious ideas can stay around for decades. You ever here that Irishmen are big drinkers? Totally false, Britain actually consumes the most alcohol in Europe by leaps and bounds. But the myth arose in the late nineteenth century when Americans saw a huge rise in Irish immigrants. Rumors were spread that the Irish were lazy drunkards to discourage them from getting hired over Americans. This idea has stuck around for years and will more than likely keep sticking around.

The most vile form of racism

Back to our three amigos. When they all apply for the same job, Peter McWhity has the advantage because his ethnicity doesn't conjure up the stereotype that he's a drunk or a thief. In fact, that's why our society has things like affirmative action in place, to combat stereotypes. So what does this have to do with Idle No More? Well, let's get to the very bottom of why the protesters are actually protesting. Keep in mind that, yes, I am simplifying things a whole bunch.

What you need to understand is that Canada is a TREATY nation. When our ancestors came to Canada, it was already inhabited by the native population. Being white Europeans, we assumed any one who didn't drink tea or line up in a big field during war times was an absolute savage. We were also interested in colonizing this land because the way Europeans measured their penis lengths at the time was how many colonies one had. But there was an issue. The natives! Although they were un-Christian pagan sinners who weren't ashamed of their fun bits, they were considered extremely well versed in the art of war. Now, the European settlers could have gone to war with them and more than likely won, it would have cost a lot of money and a lot of white Christians would have died. So all parties involved decided to sign a treaty! And that treaty still stands today! It meant that we were going to be friends!

A big part of the treaty was concerned with reservations. What the treaty stated was that the Native reservation was considered it's own little nation state, to be governed by the people that lived on them. If any change to the law of Canada was to any way affect the land of the First Nations people, it had to be put on the table and discussed with them before it was allowed to pass. Any attempt to move forward without the First Nations people was considered an act to colonize the reservations, what we'll call colonization.

Unfortunately, Europeans are shitty neighbors. Britain, France and Spain have rich history of signing treaties amongst themselves, breaking them and then going to war. In fact, I'm pretty sure that's all they were doing for well over a thousand years. And we've managed to keep up the tradition. 

Recently, a bill when through the house of commons called Bill C-45. Bill C-45 has to do with the waterways in Canada and how they were protected. It went from 'All waterways and water bodies are protected at a federal level' to 'Only a few waterways and water bodies are protected at a federal level'. As far as how many a few is, I think it's about nine that are still protected. It means that if you want to build a dock on your lake or a pipeline by a river, you used to have to get permission from the federal government. Studies had to be done in order to assess the impact your dock or pipeline had on the water surrounding it. That's no longer the case. The First Nations people are pissed because a dock or a pipeline might have consequences to the tiny little bit of land they call home, and technically the federal government was supposed to talk to them first because it's the law. That's what Idle No More is about. It's about the fact that the First Nations people are supposed get a seat at the table to discuss laws that affect them and the federal government keeps blowing them off. Pretty much EVERY protest involving the First Nations people has this issue at the very core of it.

Now! Back to the white privilege thing. I said part of WP involved not having any stigma attached to your ethnicity. The other part is not understanding that because you have privilege, it also means you have more power. And the biggest problem with being in power is that you'll consider how you do things is normal. 

You hear this all the time. "Man, if only ALL Native people acted THIS way, things would be fine!". Or the classic "I don't have a problem with gay people, but it bothers me when they act SUPER gay and faggoty". What you are actually saying is "Man, I hate it when people act differently than I do. If they all acted like me, there'd be nothing wrong!".

Chris is awesome because he doesn't act like a nigger

See, because you're in a position of power, you see the boat as going the course, smooth sailing. Then this uppity group of people start making demands. The nerve! Why can't things continue to be like they are? Well, the boat ride has been pretty rocky for others.

And that's what you don't about how Canada as a country has treated the First Nations in the past. Really shitty. I mean, REALLY shitty. When we wanted them to go to school to learn European things, they got raped as children. When they celebrated festivals, we considered them un-Christian and had them banned. Up to as recently as 1972 we were actually sterilizing some of them so they couldn't have children. Ms. Dances-with-Rain became Ms. Never-Bears-Fruit. Shitty things too numerous to list. That mistreatment over the years, a lot of which was very, very recent, is the reason why suicide rates among native is way higher, why they make up a huge portion of the prison population and why native women are far more likely to disappear.  

Combine all that with the fact that we, as a Nation, can't even follow treaty law that was signed, makes for a pretty pissed off bunch of people. I mean, c'mon! We rape 'em, take away their fun festivities, tie their tubes so they can't have babies and NOW we can't even follow our own laws? Fuck, I'd be pissed too!

Is it more complicated than that? Obviously. What I'm getting at is this protest isn't about money or handouts. It's about the deal we originally struck as law and our inability to follow it. That's what's at the heart of Idle No More. 

So, to the people of the 'Entitled White Assholes who don't understand why the First Nation people are protesting in the first place', I didn't write this piece to change your mind, but open it up to the idea that way things are benefit you more than it benefits others. Maybe it'll change your mind, maybe it won't. At least you'll hopefully have a better idea as to why they are blocking roads and making you late for work.

To the 'Entitled White Assholes with university degrees who are stunningly bad at explaining exactly why the First Nation people are protesting in the first place'. Goddamnit. I had to do your fucking job? I didn't go to school for this shit, I draw lines and circles on a computer for a living. I had to do a shit load of research into this complicated mess. I don't want to be spending my weekends looking into treaty law. You smug cocks. Instead of writing papers geared towards your peers, maybe you should be writing with the people you are trying to convince in mind. I hear the word 'Solidarity', I instantly think this person went to Talk-Like-a-Dickhead University. Mike the Mechanic or Susan the Nurse isn't going to spend an evening brushing up on terms like 'Principles of Stratified Diffusion'. They wanna come home, eat some chicken and maybe get drunk or stoned. That's it. Tasty chicken and getting fucked up. Mike doesn't berate you for not knowing how your car runs and Susan spends her day cleaning up after your piss and shit. The least you can do is not act like a smug prick when explaining things. It makes you look like a spoiled, privileged, entitled asshole. 

Hopefully that clears things up. Did I make some gross generalizations? Of course. But I can get away with it because I'm the King of the White people.

Sincerely, 

The Illustrious Mr. Charlton

p.s. I swear, every person I meet that has studied sociology acts like that cargo-cult science is the end-all, be-all of the academic world.

p.p.s. As far as the cargo-cult claim goes, the definition of science is 'Repeatable Results'. Anything else is just academics.

You Have Lousy Taste in Pretty Much Everything

No, I'm not joking. I don't care what you think about the title. It's flat out true. This is not a smarmy opinion, what I'm about to say is one hundred percent fact. You have shitty taste in food. Your taste in music makes me think you're tone deaf. You can't appreciate art. Your idea of a nice car is basically a hotdog on wheels. Your house looks like it was decorated by a twelve year old. Fifty Shades of Grey is a poorly written book. The television shows you watch are trite. The beer you enjoy is tasteless piss. And to top it off, you dress like a clown.

Wow, Mr. Charlton. You are a cock.

Hold on a second now. Look at the title again. I said pretty much everything, not everything. What the hell am I talking about, you may be ask yourself? Put on your seat pants and take a load off. I'll fill you in.

I have lousy taste in music. I mean, flat out, horrible, bizarre, terrible taste in music. When I mentioned tone deaf above, I was talking about me. Now, that's not to say that some of the music isn't any good, quite the contrary. I listen to classical, jazz, a variety of metal. I'm down with blues, hip-hop, techno and rock. At the very same time, I also listen to music made with gameboys. Let me break it down a little further.

That tune I posted above? I will rock the fuck out to that at work, unabashedly. I dig that tune with zero irony or contempt. At the end of the day, it's still made with a gameboy. It only has the range that the gameboy's hardware will allow. Now, does that make it bad music? Here's the kicker and what separates good taste and bad taste. I have no clue whether or not that music is actually any good. If you brought back Mozart, he might totally rock out to Chiptune David. He might seriously rock the fuck out! 

What was truly enthralling was the part that went 'Beep Beep BOOP'

I have very little idea of rhythm, chord progressions, timing and other such musical terms. I've looked a little tiny bit into it, mostly regarding the harmonica, but have never put any serious study into my life, nor do I have any inclination to. Some people do, however, and if you are one of those people who would rather lose their sight than their ability to hear, congratulations! You may very well have the passion that would lead me to believe that you have better taste in music than I!

But, gosh darnit Mr. Charlton, are you saying I shouldn't enjoy shitty things? Heaven forbid child, I say enjoy all the shitty things you want! I enjoy shitty B movies, like 'Catman in Boxer's Blow' and 'Every Godzilla movie ever made (except that American made one with Matthew Broderick. Even I have my limits). I think the 1976 Lincoln town car is the greatest car in the world. And even though they don't even play there anymore, the Vancouver Grizzlies is the greatest basketball team EVER.

What I DO happen to have good taste in, and something I strive everyday to improve, is food and drink. I don't just love food and drink, I study it. I have encyclopedic books on wine. I have a tome that breaks down the science of cooking so that I could become a better cook. I've taken notes on how to improve my palette. I smell everything. I have put things in my mouth that would make you question my sanity. I cook everyday. And every single television show I've watched in the last month and a half has been about food.

That's just what I'm into. It makes me happy and who the fuck doesn't like being happy? The downside of this is that I can no longer enjoy food that is mediocre or sub-par. I can't do fast food anymore, I can TASTE the apathy. I can tell you when someone did a half ass job with a meal. Too much salt, not enough salt, too much spice, too much of the wrong spice. I have been DESPERATELY looking for a kickass bowl of Vietnamese Pho in Edmonton, a story which I will write about at a later date.

When you start to really appreciate something, the lousy things start to appear on your radar. You'll politely drink a Coors Light while trying not to look insulted. You'll secretly pour corked wine into plants at a friends house. You'll eat at Denny's when you're hammered, because the alcohol has numbed the feeling in most of your face. You see where I'm going with this.

Now don't you dare look at me like some sort of asshole. Every goddamn person reading this has their thing.

Oh, look at you, Mr. Nerd. You might laugh at my passion for fine cuisine while you dine on Pizza 73 and Mountain Dew. But suddenly your nose headed straight to the ceiling if someone mentions that Angry Birds is their favorite video game.

"Angry Birds, huh? Isn't that something casuals play?"

What's that Mr. Redneck? Having a chuckle at my fancy taste in beer? The real joke is that when I mention the word STIHL, all of a sudden you have a fucking spreadsheet explaining why Husqvarna makes a better chainsaw.

"The STIHL is what I use to shave. Wood deserves a Husqvarna."

Pardon, Mr. Writes-Erotic-Harry-Potter-Fan-Fiction? Don't understand my enjoyment of wine? That's all fine and dandy, but the moment someone mentions that the Harry Potter books are perfect the way they are, you start mentioning a piece you wrote where Harry and Ron started exploring each others bodies while Snape was looking through a.... looking through.... looki....look.....

I can't continue with that idea. Those people insult themselves.

At the end of the day, everybody has their taste in something. Whether it's music, food, movies, cars, sports, computers, chainsaws, quilting, underwater basket-weaving or whatever the fuck happens to turn your crank, it's something out there that you love so much that the idea of doing it half assed is an affront to your senses. So the next time someone hands you a shitty beer or tells you that the Calgary Flames is the greatest team in the NHL's history, just keep it to yourself and remember that there's something out there that you enjoy that would rightfully make them vomit. They might not want to talk about high end beer, and you certainly don't want to find out that their hobby is related to Plushophilia (that link is NSFW).

To be fair though, I still think you dress like a clown.

Sincerely,

The Illustrious Mr. Charlton

p.s. Yes, those plushophiliacs actually do exist. I suggest you stop looking into it immediately, as the road into that part of the internet can only lead to 4chan and madness.

Babies Everywhere

Let's get one thing straight people. I am, more than likely, never going to have children. Ever. I decided this a long time ago and I've found little evidence that would change my mind. I can go into the details of why I'm opting out of the gene pool, but we'll just say that I have a very clear image of the man I'd one day like to be, and children unfortunately are not part of that picture. And that's okay. Call it a lifestyle choice, if you will, but if you care to argue with me, just remember that you are talking to a man that refers to babies as 'Human Larvae'.

What an admirable specimen. At what cycle does it gestate?

Whatever is stopping me from having children certainly isn't stopping my friends, however. Babies are popping up left, right and center in my world and I'm very glad and happy for my friends that are experiencing the wonders of parenthood. 

This post is not about those people. Oh, if you ARE one of these people, feel free to keep reading. But if you are popping out a little spawn of yourself, you have my well wishes and the best of my luck that I can spare (I can spare a ton, people. I eat four-leafed clovers and shit out golden horseshoes wearing rabbits feet).

Something like that, anyways

This post is for my friends that, like myself, are not making babies. And there's actually quite a few. Most of them are lamenting the fact that their friends are also having babies. Their relationship with their friends is crumbling, they say. They don't come over nearly as often, they'll muse. No longer can this person come over and hang out to chill, they sing. And when they do come over, it seems to be on their terms, they may also leave at a moments notice. People without children, let me tell you a story.

Last week, I made plans with a very good friend of mine to hit up T&T market and show him around this crazy place (ulterior motive was to pick up sushi rice). He mentions that he's grocery shopping with the wife and kid that morning and he'll give me a buzz at some point in the afternoon. Afternoon rolls around and I've yet to hear from him, so I drop him a line. He can't make it, he texts me, he forgot about a birthday party he has to take the family to. He asks me if I want to go tomorrow.

Now, I could have been pissed off at this point for him not scheduling better, but Mr. Charlton hates schedules and that is not how I get things done. No big deal, I tell him, we'll make it happen tomorrow.

Tomorrow rolls around and he grabs me while I'm out and about. We swing on over to T&T and start shopping around. Mind you he's never been to T&T and for the uninitiated, it can be a crazy weird time. We wonder around commenting on the weird cuts of meat, I take him over to where you can buy Japanese pre-made coffee-in-a-pop-can (I buy one for him and I), I buy a bag of 'Roller Coasters' chip snacks with the promise that they are made from potatoes, happiness and crack cocaine, and finally we grab my sushi rice.

I swear that snack is made from rainbows

We're on our way to pickup some takeout for us and his family back home, when he confesses to me that they never did end up going to the birthday party the day before. He says that both the wife and kid have been sick and he's been busy and burnt out over it. He ended up crashing for a bit. He apologizes profusely for lying to me. He didn't want to become 'that guy' that blows of his friends because he has family, but shit, sometimes family will make that happen. He seems a little distraught about the whole ordeal.

So I look at my friend and tell him that I understand completely. I know he has a wife and kid, and that means that he's going to have to be doing a lot of wife and kid shit. I tell him that in no way am I going to think less of him because he might have to blow me off occasionally. I also let him know that I don't mind tagging along and doing wife and kid shit, 'cause he's my friend and even doing something fucking mundane like picking up paint at Home Depot can be a blast if you're with a buddy. After that, we grabbed Vietnamese takeout, went back to his place, and proceeded to eat and watch Transformers 3 while his two year old played with the remote, changed the channel constantly, muted the volume twice and spent the entire movie playing the theme song of the Backyardigans on the IPhone over and over and over again.

There's two morals to this story. First, if you don't have kids but your friends do, and you want to hang out with them, you better get used to doing family shit. Period. You better be prepared that your time spent together is no longer going to be about drinking beer and playing video games, but doing family shit like grocery shopping, fixing up the house, and family friendly activities. You better be prepared to deal with an energetic, loud, occasionally shrieking, pissing, shitting and puking little toddler. And goddamnit, you better be prepared to have the theme song to the Backyardigans burned into your brain for the rest of your existence.

  

It's not even a catchy theme song

That's just the way it is. Your friends lives are changing, and if you want to keep them in your life, you're going to have to understand that. They simply don't have the resources (time, money AND energy) to devote an extended amount of focus on you anymore. A night out now involves a $50 surcharge for a babysitter and if you've got another mouth to feed, that's a lot of money. We have a word for people who would rather drink and party than raise their children. They're called deadbeats.

The second moral of the story? If they really are your friend, then it doesn't matter WHAT you're doing, because anytime you're hanging out with a good friend, even the shittiest of activities can be rad. The asshole I was talking about earlier? Shit, we met at work when I was in school and I had a great time going to work (although the amount of work we did could be contested). There's a group of people that seem to think you need an activity in order to pass the time. All I need is someone with a sense of humour and the ability to bullshit with me.

They say it takes a village to raise a child, and just because I never want children doesn't mean I didn't want to be part of the village. It was just that my role in said village was going to different, that's all. I keep hearing about new couples who lose their friends and I never wanted that to happen to my friends. I think it may have also had to do with the fact that I always knew that my friends were going to have children, and that prepared me for it when it did happen.

Long story short, just because you weren't going to have children doesn't mean you are going to get away from not having to deal with children. It just means that at the end of the night, they have to go home, put their kid to bed, and get to bed themselves. You can stay up and drink scotch and have sex until three in the morning.

Besides, hanging out with my buddy's kid is a pretty awesome experience. Every time I'm over he's learned a new word, is chatting more and acting like a bigger jerk. He's already learned no! I can't wait to teach him things that are going to make his parents despise me (first up is the 'Song That Never Ends').

Lamp Chops? I think you means 'Parent Nightmare Fuel'

To the people without children, it might be rough, but you're going to have to learn that the game has changed. You're either going to have to change yourselves or find new people to play the game with. 

To the people with children, the only issue I'm going to bring up is the fact that occasionally the phrase "Well, when you have children" or "Well, when you get older and mature" comes out as if I was fucking joking about not procreating. In all seriousness, the things I would like to accomplish in this life are taking up a shitload of my time, and fitting a family in there simply isn't viable. I've got crazy plans and I'm crazy selfish about them. If you've read this blog and I hear those words or variations of those words spring up, I'm going to give books to your children along the lines of 'How to Lie Effectively' and 'How to Win Every Argument - The Use and Abuse of Logic'. Enjoy trying to raise a teenager that understands and contorts human social dynamics.

Sincerely,

The Illustrious Mr. Charlton

p.s. Also, if I ever do have a kid, you'll know right away, because the Earth will tear, and my child will emerge from the depths on a chariot of fire. It'll have three heads, one a lion, one a snake and the last a human's, and it will be covered in hot pitch as it rides across the sky, burning our civilization to the ground. 

p.s.s. By that extent, not having children means I'm saving the human race, ergo, I am actually a hero and the savior of mankind. You are very welcome.

p.s.s.s. I'm not sure if the thanks is enough for your savior. You owe me a sandwich.

Back by Popular Demand...

My lord, it has been some time. Too much time, one would say. Eight months? Hardly a wisher or a want from the Illustrious Mr. Charlton? Where has he been? Hiding? In Jail? Has he begun to push up the daisies? Did he get bored of being witty and funny?

Alright, the truth is actually far more shocking than the previous statements would leave you to believe. In this day and age, as a young man growing up in the technological revolution, what I've been doing is almost blasphemy. Some would brand me a heretic, others a Luddite. Some people might even put on their clever hats and call me both. Who knows? What I do know is this. Some people are going to think I'm absolutely crazy for living in this manner for the past little while.

I have not had an internet connection at home for six of the last eight months.

So, what else does it do besides show cat pictures and skin flicks?

Since I lost my smartphone a while back, the only connection to the world wide web is the one at work. And let's face it, I'm usually busy doing work things or writing haiku about the superiority of lunch. So there we have it. No connections, no Redditing, no Facebooking, no texting, no bestiality midget pornography, no looking up recipes, no Khan Academy. Nothing. Nada. Zippola. And you want to know something?

My life is WAY fucking better for it.

A Book? Where does it plug in?

Seriously. A lot better. Waaaaaaayyyyyyy better. I can't believe how much the quality of life improved without our generation's version of the idiot box. Oh, don't you get me wrong, it was tough at first. Not having the entire world's information at my fingertips was a struggle, I assure you. My usual foray into the kitchen almost always involved hitting the world wide web before wetting the creative wheel of my brain. I could take the ingredients of my fridge, toss them into a generator and come out with something tasty. It wasn't so much as cooking, as following Google's orders. But without the internet, what the hell was I to do? Shit, did I actually have UP MY COOKING GAME?!?! 

I had actually forgotten about these

I actually had to plan meal. I actually had to make mistakes. I couldn't Youtube 'how to make delicious food'. I had to fuck up a few times. Now, I was a decent cook before hand. But this Rad Sack of Sweet Rice and Gravy can now walk into a kitchen and make fresh pasta with nothing but flour, water, and salt. DID YOU HEAR THAT KITCHEN? I JUST SAID THAT I CAN MAKE THE GODDAMN STAFF OF LIFE WITH INGREDIENTS THAT HAVE BEEN AROUND FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS! I DIDN'T EVEN USE A GODDAMN PASTA MACHINE! I ROLLED THAT SHIT OUT WITH A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY, THEN CUT IT OUT WITH A KNIFE THAT WAS FORGED, BY HAND, IN THE MOUNTAINS OF JAPAN!!! COMPLETELY FUCKING RAW!!!

(my yelling comes from the fact that I got bored (no internet remember) and decided to try and make pasta by doing it, no recipe at all. The best pasta I made came out after I had run out of eggs)

Without the internet, I had too much free time. I didn't know what to do with myself. I would sometimes just sit, quietly, and try not to think at all (apparently they call this meditating...). Just sitting! Do you have any idea how hard it is to not think? Crazy hard! Then I found myself trying not to think on the bus. Not thinking as I was skipping on the town. You know what happens when you start looking at the world without thinking, without that stream of ego pouring through your skull? You start laughing like an asshole. I'm not making this up. I'd be sitting on the bus, then I'd burst out laughing. Couldn't tell you why. People thought I was some sort of madman.

The biggest thing about not having the internet was the lack of 'social' media feeds. The largest fish of that pond being Facebook. Facebook is such an odd creature in my world. I try, I try so hard to make heads or tails of it. I occasionally post, I try and get back to people when they message me. It's mutated though, into this bizarre beast that's bloated with advertisements, game requests, apps that you need to download to access other features. I, for the first time, downloaded an app to Facebook (I usually avoid them like the plague). An app called 'schoolFeed'. Do you know what this app allows you to do? Post pictures and converse with people I went to high school with.

If only there was a website that allowed you to do that

That's why I made last night's post. If you haven't seen, here it is again.

I don't want to sound like a smug prick, even if I am a smug prick. But Sweet Peter, I seriously can't keep up with the constant noise that's provided by my news feed. I know about what going in some people lives, whose relationship with me is six degrees of separation, than I do my own mother. And I talk to my mother once a week! My mother's life? I'm pretty well informed. But she didn't send me a goddamn picture of her breakfast this morning. 

Man, what the fuck will happen if I actually run into one of you and we go for coffee? The amount I know about you is shocking. Here's how a conversation would go.

Illustrious Mr. C: So, Shmuck! How's life treating you?

Shmuck: Good man, I met a girl fairly recently...

IMC: Yeah, Candice Bernett. You guys met at a Starbucks when you both tried ordering the same scone. After her uncle's passing, you took a trip to Spain where you both got sick from some bad Calimari. When you got back, she applied for her dream job at Ivinca Corp. where she's starting her career as a junior in the marketing department. She likes dogs, jasmine green tea and her favorite band is Radio Head. Awesome pictures of the concert by the way.

Shmuck: I... I ummm....

IMC: Oh, you don't have to say another word. I know everything. You tell me everything. What do you know about me, hmmm? That I'm a 'Bon Vivant' permanently on vacation? That I post blogs on my feed? Anything else? Shit, for all you know, I could be a goddamn spy. Notice all that information about you I just yanked out of the air? Like some sort of data miner? You think you're unique? That I'm not keeping tabs on everyone else like I do you?

You might ask yourself, Shmuck, why I'd do this. Why I'd compile this seemingly useless information. Maybe so I can sell it to someone. Maybe I just want to have it. Maybe one day I'll use it against you. Who knows. Well, I know. But how would you know? Again, you don't know a thing about me.

Don't worry about the coffee. This one's on me. 

-slides a crisp $20 and then disappears into the crowd

What I'm saying is that I'm going to continue to not post pictures, rarely comment on things and use Facebook only as a launch pad for my narcissistic blog that so many of you seem to enjoy. Don't worry, my lack of work on the net has been because of technical difficulties, not because I'm lacking ideas. 

Out there, somewhere, someone is doing or saying something incredibly stupid and/or poorly thought out. I promise I'll be there to make a snide comment about it.

Sincerely,

The Illustrious Mr. Charlton

p.s. That fake conversation I had with Smuck up there? Mark Zuckerberg does that at least once a day, for kicks.