Correspondence

Ladies and Gentlemen and everything in between, I have a confession to make. A secret that many of you already know but have yet to bring up. That´s okay, we both know of my dark little fault. We both know that because of this, some of you would gladly smack me upside my (extremely symmetrical) head and say ¨God Damnit, Mr. Charlton, you are BETTER than this.¨ You are right, I should be better than this. So what is this small fault of mine, some of you may be asking?

I am terrible with correspondence. Flat out fucking awful at it. As in, there is no depth as to how lacking my skills of correspondence are. I rarely reply to emails, I find facebook to be an utter nuisance and I think it´s perfectly fine not to reply to a text message for days. I refuse to wish people a happy birthday over the internet. I typically shun most forms of modern day communication. I´m a bit of a miser about it, to be frank.

You see, I´m a little bit old fashioned. I don´t actually like a lot of the new technology that´s been coming out these days. I certainly find some of it useful and novel, but for the most part I find most gadgets to be short lived and a waste. Anytime someone mentions to me that a piece of technology is beautiful, the first thing that comes to mind is that in two years that same person is going to be cursing that his worthless hunk of junk isn´t up to date. Then his once beautiful toy goes into the trash.

Come sit on my knee, internet. We´re going to have a little chat about the difference between something that´s beautiful and something that´s attractive. Yes people, there is a difference. When something is beautiful, it´s timeless. It´s rare and could possibly be there for only a moment. The Mona Lisa is beautiful. An old bottle of wine can be beautiful. Baby´s first steps? That beautiful moment is only gonna happen once.

Attractive things are used to symbolize status. A 60¨ television in your tiny living room? Nice, but it´s not a thing of beauty. It´s not making people weep. New shoes? Catches the eye, but I´m not tearing up over here. Now to be fair, this is obviously subjective. I´m sure there are some people out there who well up when they get a new phone. These people also videotape themselves opening the box for the first time (look up ´Box Opening´ on youtube. You´d be surprised). These are the people who have every phone they had before locked up in a box somewhere or in extreme cases, have them framed and mounted.

I know what you people are thinking. You´re saying to yourself ¨Mr. Charlton, you started off talking about how you were an asshole for not getting back to people. Now you´re talking about how you´re an asshole for being a pretentious fuckhead.¨ Whoa, whoa, whoa, don´t you worry, I´m coming full circle on this one.

I have a hard time responding to this new form of communication because in my opinion it´s not beautiful. People used to have a stack of love letters that was hidden up in the attic. Now we have sext messages of each others fuck sticks and snatch boxes, and even that shit is more than likely going to be erased. Getting a email from a friend used to be rad, now I´m wary to check my inbox because there´s 900 new emails! Either from either Prince Suliyarwa in Nigeria who is needing my credit card number or Ron Jeremy telling me that if I don´t take these dick pills I´ll NEVER be able to grow a 16¨ cock that has the girth of a Louisville slugger!

Am I exaggerating here? Of course I am. To be fair, you´re talking to man who cringes when he sees txt wrttn lik dis. A man who almost pushed a teenager in front of a cement mixer when they uttered the word ´LOL´. But the world isn´t going to change on my behalf. It´s not going to slow down, so I might as well speed up. I´ll try not to think your mother drank a lot during term when you send me an extremely poorly spelled text message. I promise not to die inside a little when you buy a 55¨ television to replace your 54¨ television. I swear I won´t cry in a corner, weeping for humanity the next time someone posts on facebook a ´If you really care/are really my friend/part of the hivemind then you´ll agree with this post´ message (seriously folk, the ol´ copy and paste is the laziest form of slacktivism out there).

And folks, as it´s my New Years resolution, I will stop being such a stuck up, snobby, nose in the air sort of guy and will actually reply to messages and emails and facebook comments. But lemme tell you, it´s gonna be a struggle.

Sincerely

The Illustrious Mr. Charlton

p.s. Jon Jeremy thinks a penis is for three things; To crush his enemies, see them driven before him and hear the lamentations of their women. *Rimshot*

p.s.s. If you actually have a cause that´s worthwhile and you actually want to take it somewhere beyond facebook, send me a message. We´ll see if I can give you a hand. 99% of you will read this but only 1% will actually DO something about it. Tables have turned, haven´t they?

  ╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

p.s.s.s. If you´re going to continue with the ´99% of you vs. 1%´, please for the love of Peter change it to 100%. That´s not how that shit works.