I know what most of you are thinking, but yes, I can walk into a church without bursting into flames
I'm not here to talk about church politics though, although most governments have a clean slate compared to the corruption that underlies the largest church on the planet. I could spend hours talking about the pedophilia, the incredibly poor treatment of any native population that was encountered by the church or the role (singular) of women as seen by the church. On the other hand, it does do charitable works across the world and has existed for (roughly) two thousand years. Again, not talking about that. I'm here to tell you about my experience as a Catholic growing up.
Growing up, I didn't have a lot of good things to say about the church. I didn't have a lot of bad things to say either. There was one bad incident I remember, where when I was six and was chasing girls outside. An older women took me out back and kicked my ass screaming at me over and over "You be NICE to girls" (which actually screwed me up well into my twenties). But I wasn't molested. I was never caned for forgetting my Hail Marys. My youth in the Catholic church was... boring. Really, really boring. I could not for the life of me a time where I was that bored.
One of the things, in order to become a full member of the church, is Catechism. Basically school for learning about the church. There are steps you have to take each year, steps like; Confession, where you explain to the priest about all of the bad things you've done or Confirmation, where... I don't know, strengthens your ties to the church? Fuck it, these steps are called 'Sacraments' and in after school Catholic school, we learned about 'em in great detail.
At about the age of nine or ten, I started to to slip from 'God, church is so BORING' to 'Wait a minute, these people actually believe some of this stuff...'. I always thought it was a big metaphor. One of my little 'Aha' moments happened to be when, in make believe school, we had to write two hundred words about how great Jesus was. I was totally not interested so I sped through the assignment as quickly as possible, pouring saccharine and sap all over this sucker like it was fresh golden brown waffles. A week later I found out my little paper was the best one of SOME sort of region, and won fifty dollars. Two things sprung to mind. One, that what I wrote was complete drivel and I meant zero of it, and Two, I made fifty bones. Now if I had been part of another Christian denomination, I probably would have become preacher at one of those Mega Churches, driving a Benz while I did mounds of cocaine before I exorcised demons from good paying town folk.
Instead, Catholicism got weird for me at about the age of twelve. This was about the time that the third sacrament, the Eucharist (from now on will be referred to Magic Crazy Cracker Time), was popping up in my life. Now, Magic Crazy Cracker Time is something that, as a kid, you're REALLY looking forward to, because as a kid, you get to watch all these adults take part in Magic Crazy Cracker Time. You'd wonder to yourself "Damn, is the cracker THAT tasty? They get wine too? Are they getting their buzz on? Maybe that's why the priest is always so happy (He was seriously drunk all the time)". Basically, it's one of those 'The adults get to do it, why can't I?' kinda things.
A cracker ain't the only thing he's asking you to swallow
Anyways, we start to learn about Magic Crazy Cracker Time, and transubstantiation. What the hell is that big word, you may be asking? I give you a brief insight into not just mine, but almost all young Catholics when they are told what this means.
"And when you take the Eucharist into your body, you are taking in Jesus Christ."
"Okay, so we believe it's the body of Jesus Christ. Gotcha."
"No. It is the body of Jesus Christ."
'Okay, yeah, but like a metaphor, right?"
"No."
"I've watched you all eat that thing. It's a cracker."
"No but the priest blesses it, and through the power of transubstantiation it literally becomes the flesh and blood of our Savior, Jesus Christ."
"So, we're eating flesh, like cannibals."
"No, that's not exactly..."
"Yes, when people eat other people, that's cannibalism."
"Look, can't you kids just agree with me and do what you're told?"
And it's not like I'm some sort of Wunderkind over here, I saw the same look on a lot of young people's faces. But we went along with it, not because many of us believed it, but because we couldn't leave class until we agreed. So we took part in Magic Crazy Cracker Time and ate the body of our Savior (tasted stale) drank the blood of our lord (tasted like old people spit) and earned another merit badge on the 'Getting into Heaven' sash.
Our family stopped going to Mass (what catholics called going to church) as often then. Church wasn't a fun or spiritual place for anyone in my family, I think. But we still went the odd time, and I still had to do the occasional outing with the church. And that was the last straw.
I was 14-15 at the time. We were invited to a youth rally held for catholics in Nelson, BC. A weekend of prayer, song and fun is what was promised. We all piled into a van and headed south. We were the last to arrive, and after we arranged our things, headed to the main hall for the 'festivities'. There were sketches about Jesus (how awesome and cool he was), dancing about Jesus (sometimes a dude was dressed as Jesus and break dancing) and songs about Jesus. The guy next to me, an older kid maybe 16-17, was REALLY the songs. So much so, that when he asked me why I wasn't clapping. I replied that I had sprained my wrist playing basketball earlier that week. An he was so thoroughly into our Hero J to the C that he looked at me, right through me with cold dead eyes, and said "Funny, most people sprain their angles playing basketball". The music must have started to move through me because I started slapping my arm like my life depended on it.
With that kind of zealotry, you can even grow up to be Prime Minister!
Later that evening, me and this girl started hitting it off. Chemistry was bubbling, sparks were flying, the whole puppy love thing was in full effect. We spent the night and any time we had the next day chatting, flirting, being young kids. We were both really excited for the dance later that evening. Did I mention there was a dance? Yes, the catholic church was pulling out all the stops this weekend, and there was gonna be a dance. With touching! Fuck yeah! I was stoked! She was stoked! A lot of kids with repressed sexual desires were stoked! It was something we were all looking forward to!
But... they had rules. I know, catholics with rules. Craziness. One rule, their big rule, was the very simple "We like to see Blue, we like to see Pink, we don't want to see Purple". When we translate that into mature human being talk, it means that they wanted a foot between dance partners. A foot! Might as well be a mile. They had a stick to break you up if you got too close, and people, me and this girl got broken up a lot. We spent the evening trying to look over each other's shoulders so we could sneak a quick hug or a peck. It was kinda sad.
I remember the next day, I was pissed. The writing fake words about Jesus for money, no big deal. Pretending a cracker is flesh and that I'm a zombie? I thought it was funny. But this? The church, catholicism at it's whole, was now cock blocking a teenager. Let me get this straight... Flood happens, God's will. Letting a girl my age rub up against me because we're full of hormones and confused as shit, now I'm the asshole. Shit catholic church, did you ever stop to think that letting us touch each others fun bits was God's will? That day I did two things; I started smoking regularly and stopped being a catholic
There are a lot of things in the bible that apply, if this was two thousand years ago. The whole Leviticus thing? Perhaps persecuted slaves, most of what made up early christianity, were probably pissed at the current oligarchy and their ways, including homosexuality. No sex before marriage? People used to get married at the age of whenever puberty hit. It's not like you had to wait long before getting your rocks off, this rule basically said 'No fucking children'.
Look, the whole of catholicism and christianity I find incredibly odd. To each there own, but when I spell it out for without the mysticism or the Grandeur, it's the story of God, who gave people free will but had a plan, who loved people so much that it turned itself into a human form of itself by impregnating a lady, so it could be tortured and put to death (which, because it's all part of it's plan, knew this was coming) so that people could thank the human form of itself for doing this so that they wouldn't go to Hell (Hell, which by the way, was started by an angel who thought that God's plan was pretty lame), because even though they had free will, they were only free to worship God as it decreed, a very poor declaration I might add.
Honestly, looking back on what I just wrote, I'm certain God is simply a big fan of BDSM who came down to party with a bunch of hookers for thirty years. What was it's plan in all that? To experience life through a human's eyes? Isn't it omniscient? Wouldn't after experiencing that much sorrow and pain decide that those were shitty things to give people? Fuck it, I like my first idea better. God loves BSDM, and Jesus has more than likely been reincarnated as Rob Halford from Judas Priest.
He is better known as the 'Metal God' (seriously)
Sincerely,
The Illustrious Mr. Charlton
p.s. Fun Fact! I've been listening to Judas Priest for two weeks straight! I still think British Steel is their best album.
p.s.s. Painkiller is also their best album, so is Screaming for Vengeance.
p.s.s.s Defenders of the Faith? Possibly the best album.
p.s.s.s.s. You may have noticed that I refer to God as an 'It'. I'm pretty certain a deity has no use for genitals.
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