This is the last post I'll be making from here.
Check out my new website at sandy-charlton.com for my new site.
Content goes up everyday!
Sincerely,
The Illustrious Mr. Charlton
p.s. Thanks Blogger, for all the good times. Time to put on my big boy pants and make my own site!
Tuesday 17 May 2016
Tuesday 5 January 2016
New Years Resolutions, or How I Decided to Sell Out.
I'm not very good at resolutions. I haven't actually been able to stick with any for as long as I can remember. Over the break I was invited to my girlfriend's cabin. They have a ritual where they put their predictions for the next year in a champagne bottle, breaking it open the next year to see if what they had put in came true. I'm not a fan of trying to predict the future, so I left my resolutions pretty vague.
The only thing I put in for certain is I'd love to get paid to write something.
Writing comes pretty easy to me. I can sit down, start hammering away at the keyboard, and have hours whittle away, not noticing that time is flying by. I can crank out thousands of words in a session without having to think about it very much. The more I think about it, the more I like the idea of being a writer. It's a sexy profession for an introvert. You work, by and large, for yourself. You'll have fans who'll tend to be less stalkerish than fans of musicians or movie stars; they tend to also be literate. You might have deadlines, but everything else does.
Writing is easy. Sitting down to write, well, that's something else altogether.
Once you get going, writing is a breeze. What people forget though, and this is true in any vein of artistry, whether it's written or drawn or sculpted or shot or played out on a guitar, is this; art is still work.
It's great work, if you can get paid for it. The words 'Starving Artist' are used for a reason though. At the end of the day, if you come home and write or paint or make internet videos or create a game, it's work. It's work that nurtures the soul, sure, but it is still work. It's not a break.
You know what I'd rather be doing right now? I'll give you a list.
Playing video games
Watching a movie
Having sex
Making food
Eating food
Surfing the internet
Reading a book
Going for a stroll
Building a lego sculpture
Drinking with friends
Lying on my back and pouring Christmas chocolate down my throat while making gurgling sounds.
etc...
Creating art is still work. It's also work that people don't really want to pay for. People have no issue paying five dollars for a coffee. People have a hard time paying for ten dollar book, or a five dollar video game. Artists tend to starve. It's a feast for the very few who find commercial success. It's famine for most.
That's okay. Truthfully, it's always been that way.
So then why is my resolution to get paid for writing? Why do I want to get paid for my art, even if it's terrible? It's because in my head that legitimizes it. When someone asks me what I do I can say, head held high, "I'm a writer. At one point, I have put words onto paper, and then someone gave me money for them. I tricked some jerk into buying my thoughts completely based in fantasy. Currency was transported from their hands to mine." Does it make me a better artist? I doubt it.
They say that success is getting paid for doing something that you are passionate about. I'm a lousy designer. I don't always work well with other, especially when it comes to creative ventures. The only thing I can say I am good at is coming up with ideas. And writing is just putting those ideas down on paper. Someone else can make a movie or a game or a painting or a song about it, if it ever comes to that. Right now, the only thing I've got is a head full of dumb ideas. Hopefully someone is looking to buy dumb ideas.
But then again, Trump is the front runner for the Republican party. Maybe selling dumb ideas won't be that hard.
Sincerely,
The Illustrious Mr. Charlton
p.s. I realise that self publishing is a thing. Writing I'm good at. Selling myself, not so much.
p.s.s. If I get desperate, there is a huge market for Yif Erotic Fiction. I can totally write sexy trash.
p.s.s.s. I also pride myself on being a very good amateur cook. I have that going for me as well.
p.s.s.s.s. This took me approximately forty five minutes for approximately seven hundred and fifty words. If you want to know, I can bang out a thousand words of decent writing in about an hour.
The only thing I put in for certain is I'd love to get paid to write something.
Writing comes pretty easy to me. I can sit down, start hammering away at the keyboard, and have hours whittle away, not noticing that time is flying by. I can crank out thousands of words in a session without having to think about it very much. The more I think about it, the more I like the idea of being a writer. It's a sexy profession for an introvert. You work, by and large, for yourself. You'll have fans who'll tend to be less stalkerish than fans of musicians or movie stars; they tend to also be literate. You might have deadlines, but everything else does.
Writing is easy. Sitting down to write, well, that's something else altogether.
Once you get going, writing is a breeze. What people forget though, and this is true in any vein of artistry, whether it's written or drawn or sculpted or shot or played out on a guitar, is this; art is still work.
It's great work, if you can get paid for it. The words 'Starving Artist' are used for a reason though. At the end of the day, if you come home and write or paint or make internet videos or create a game, it's work. It's work that nurtures the soul, sure, but it is still work. It's not a break.
You know what I'd rather be doing right now? I'll give you a list.
Playing video games
Watching a movie
Having sex
Making food
Eating food
Surfing the internet
Reading a book
Going for a stroll
Building a lego sculpture
Drinking with friends
Lying on my back and pouring Christmas chocolate down my throat while making gurgling sounds.
etc...
Creating art is still work. It's also work that people don't really want to pay for. People have no issue paying five dollars for a coffee. People have a hard time paying for ten dollar book, or a five dollar video game. Artists tend to starve. It's a feast for the very few who find commercial success. It's famine for most.
That's okay. Truthfully, it's always been that way.
So then why is my resolution to get paid for writing? Why do I want to get paid for my art, even if it's terrible? It's because in my head that legitimizes it. When someone asks me what I do I can say, head held high, "I'm a writer. At one point, I have put words onto paper, and then someone gave me money for them. I tricked some jerk into buying my thoughts completely based in fantasy. Currency was transported from their hands to mine." Does it make me a better artist? I doubt it.
They say that success is getting paid for doing something that you are passionate about. I'm a lousy designer. I don't always work well with other, especially when it comes to creative ventures. The only thing I can say I am good at is coming up with ideas. And writing is just putting those ideas down on paper. Someone else can make a movie or a game or a painting or a song about it, if it ever comes to that. Right now, the only thing I've got is a head full of dumb ideas. Hopefully someone is looking to buy dumb ideas.
But then again, Trump is the front runner for the Republican party. Maybe selling dumb ideas won't be that hard.
Sincerely,
The Illustrious Mr. Charlton
p.s. I realise that self publishing is a thing. Writing I'm good at. Selling myself, not so much.
p.s.s. If I get desperate, there is a huge market for Yif Erotic Fiction. I can totally write sexy trash.
p.s.s.s. I also pride myself on being a very good amateur cook. I have that going for me as well.
p.s.s.s.s. This took me approximately forty five minutes for approximately seven hundred and fifty words. If you want to know, I can bang out a thousand words of decent writing in about an hour.
Friday 31 July 2015
The Not So Curious Case of Cecil the Lion
Right off the bat I'm going to tell you the Lion King is not my favorite Disney movie. It was basically Hamlet with African animals, and it was also a blatant ripoff of the famed anime Kimba the White Lion. We all know the greatest Disney movie is Escape from New York, starring Kurt Russel, He plays the ex-special force commando Snake Plissken, and must infiltrate the city of New York which has now been turned into the largest maximum security prison on the planet.
I digress.
Anyhoo, people online have been up in arms over a dentist who gets his rocks off by killing large animals. Walter Palmer paid $50,000 big ones to off a lion. This kind of trophy hunting is actually pretty standard over there, and although deplorable in this instance, happens far more often than most people like to think.
I'll go through the details anyways. Dr. Palmer paid a bunch of money to shoot a lion. Cecil (the lion in question) is an older lion that lives in a National park in Zimbabwe. It's against the law to shoot a lion in a national park. Dentist McShooty and friends lure the lion OUT of the park to kill him, They use a bow, because it's quiet. They shoot him, Cecil decides he still has some fight left in his old bones, and doesn't die. Dentist Not-Very-Good-Shot takes a nap. They take up the chase much later, and finally kill Cecil. They cut off his head and skin him, leaving the rest. But Cecil still has some tricks up his sleeve, namely the GPS collar that was used to track him. The collar that was attached by the Oxford University. So Dentist Realizes-Somethings-Amiss tries to destroy the collar. No such luck. Gets caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
As a result, he had to close up shop and disappear.
This is what the internet is telling me. The problem with the internet is that it is frequently full of shit. As for Dr. Palmer, I can guarantee that he'll be laying low for a while, open a new practice somewhere in Wisconsin where they don't give two shits about lions. As for Cecil, his legacy will live on through his cubs, which are now more than likely being killed by the next male lion, because that's the law of the jungle.
What bothers me about this isn't the killing of Cecil. Yes, if true, that shit is absolutely deplorable and Walter Palmer should be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. IF it's true. I'm not sure if it's true, at least the way the internet has put forth. I'm a little bit more worried about the rise of public shaming through the internet.
The problem with public shaming, online justice, or internet vigilantism, is that it's very much the equivalent of grabbing a pitchfork, some torches and joining a mob. There's another name for this. It's called lynching. Although these days it doesn't involve the closest tree and a noose, it's still feeding the shitty, unthinking, hyper-emotional parts of the brain that is unfortunately keeping our species much closer to our monkey ancestors than I'd care to admit.
But let's be honest, you didn't come here for rationality. You came to hear me rant.
Fuck these hypocritical clowns who get outraged over shit like this. ISIS still is beheading and raping people in the middle east, we deal with corrupt bureaucracy all over the world, cancer has not been cured, and this is what you get pissy about? An oversized cat? Let's be frank. You don't give a shit about animals, you give a shit about cute, cuddly, photogenic animals. Put it this way, if you get outraged over shit like this, yet still buy meat from Superstore or Walmart or large chains, you honestly don't give two flying fucks about animals. You're just looking for an excuse to let out your inner monkey. And one day, some over-paid physiotherapist from Minnesota with too much time on their hands is going to bait a hot car with a poodle in it. When you decide to let out your inner monkey, Dr. Schmucko is going to be waiting with a cross-bow. Hopefully your ass is endangered and looks good on camera, because if not, no one is going to give a shit.
Sincerely,
The Illustrious Mr. Charlton
p.s. If predators were delicious, we'd be eating cats and dogs, and keeping cows as pets.
p.s.s. I always wanted a chicken, just because I'd name him 'Poulet'.
Kurt Russel is my favorite Disney Princess
I digress.
Anyhoo, people online have been up in arms over a dentist who gets his rocks off by killing large animals. Walter Palmer paid $50,000 big ones to off a lion. This kind of trophy hunting is actually pretty standard over there, and although deplorable in this instance, happens far more often than most people like to think.
I'll go through the details anyways. Dr. Palmer paid a bunch of money to shoot a lion. Cecil (the lion in question) is an older lion that lives in a National park in Zimbabwe. It's against the law to shoot a lion in a national park. Dentist McShooty and friends lure the lion OUT of the park to kill him, They use a bow, because it's quiet. They shoot him, Cecil decides he still has some fight left in his old bones, and doesn't die. Dentist Not-Very-Good-Shot takes a nap. They take up the chase much later, and finally kill Cecil. They cut off his head and skin him, leaving the rest. But Cecil still has some tricks up his sleeve, namely the GPS collar that was used to track him. The collar that was attached by the Oxford University. So Dentist Realizes-Somethings-Amiss tries to destroy the collar. No such luck. Gets caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
Dentists really shouldn't be eating cookies anyways
As a result, he had to close up shop and disappear.
This is what the internet is telling me. The problem with the internet is that it is frequently full of shit. As for Dr. Palmer, I can guarantee that he'll be laying low for a while, open a new practice somewhere in Wisconsin where they don't give two shits about lions. As for Cecil, his legacy will live on through his cubs, which are now more than likely being killed by the next male lion, because that's the law of the jungle.
What bothers me about this isn't the killing of Cecil. Yes, if true, that shit is absolutely deplorable and Walter Palmer should be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. IF it's true. I'm not sure if it's true, at least the way the internet has put forth. I'm a little bit more worried about the rise of public shaming through the internet.
The problem with public shaming, online justice, or internet vigilantism, is that it's very much the equivalent of grabbing a pitchfork, some torches and joining a mob. There's another name for this. It's called lynching. Although these days it doesn't involve the closest tree and a noose, it's still feeding the shitty, unthinking, hyper-emotional parts of the brain that is unfortunately keeping our species much closer to our monkey ancestors than I'd care to admit.
Where Youtube comments come from
But let's be honest, you didn't come here for rationality. You came to hear me rant.
Fuck these hypocritical clowns who get outraged over shit like this. ISIS still is beheading and raping people in the middle east, we deal with corrupt bureaucracy all over the world, cancer has not been cured, and this is what you get pissy about? An oversized cat? Let's be frank. You don't give a shit about animals, you give a shit about cute, cuddly, photogenic animals. Put it this way, if you get outraged over shit like this, yet still buy meat from Superstore or Walmart or large chains, you honestly don't give two flying fucks about animals. You're just looking for an excuse to let out your inner monkey. And one day, some over-paid physiotherapist from Minnesota with too much time on their hands is going to bait a hot car with a poodle in it. When you decide to let out your inner monkey, Dr. Schmucko is going to be waiting with a cross-bow. Hopefully your ass is endangered and looks good on camera, because if not, no one is going to give a shit.
Sincerely,
The Illustrious Mr. Charlton
p.s. If predators were delicious, we'd be eating cats and dogs, and keeping cows as pets.
p.s.s. I always wanted a chicken, just because I'd name him 'Poulet'.
Monday 25 May 2015
Fantasy Smantasy
The last really good book I read was 'The Handmaid's Tale' by Margaret Atwood. It was a horrifying book, but I could not put it down. I ended up reading the whole thing front to back in less than a day right as I was headed down to Victoria for Christmas. It was so good, in fact, that when I arrived to Victoria, I didn't talk to my brother or his wife until I was done the book.
My friend got me started on 'The Malazan Book of the Fallen' series, a ten book mega-novel that spans three continents (maybe more), more characters than I have appendages, and god knows how many wizards, assassins, thieves, ghosts, demons, gods, races, species and animals that have been made up.
It is ok.
It's cheesy. Shit, one of the character's name is 'WhiskeyJack'. The author came up with the name by looking at the bottle of Jack Daniels he was obviously drinking for breakfast. Or the classic 'throw in a bunch of apostrophes' names such as 'Dhul'Lik'Ko'Meh', as if I'm going to announce that every time this asshole walks into a room.
I like books. I like to read. I think everyone does if they're given the right books. Not to long before I started this Malazan series, the very same friend gave me a book called 'Bolo!' (yes, there was in fact an exclamation at the end of the title). That book was about sentient tanks in the future. It was cheesy as sin and not exactly well written. But I ate it up! I couldn't put the stupid book down. What I noticed between the cheesy sci-fi novel and the cheesy fantasy novel has been one reoccurring theme between the two genres. Sci-fi novels are most often pretty tongue and cheek, and the sci-fi that doesn't tends to be grounded in a fair amount of reality. Fantasy almost always takes itself too seriously, and well....
Look dude, or dudette, or in-between, whatever, if you're going to have fucking orcs and dragons and flying beetles the size of volkswagens in your stories, I'm gonna have a hard time taking anything else seriously. Ooooooo, a large battle between warring nations is looming on the horizon? Better hop on your flying cat-snake and find the amulet of 'Who'gives'a'shit', 'cause apparently a magic talisman is the only thing that will win the war. Somehow the winged ferret made the social overtones of your story harder to take seriously.
Fantasy is not a serious subject that some people take way too seriously. I'm not a fan of the 'A Song of Ice and Fire' series, also known to people who only watch TV as 'Game of Thrones'. The show is alright. I tried to read the first novel in the book series years ago and I couldn't even get half way through. How many goddamn things have to 'glisten', George RR Martin? Everything in your universe glistens. That whole goddamn world is breathing heavily and sweating, It's like your fatass decided to take the stairs for once. An entire, way-too-long, pulsating, heaving series.
And that's my biggest gripe with the whole fantasy genre. Everything is a series, this mega-novel garbage. I hear this bullshit all the time, "The first book or two, he's just warming up and finding his voice. It gets REALLY good after that". Really? I have to read over a thousand pages of mediocre crap to get to the good part? That is the very definition of a shit sandwich. If I have to chow down on poop just so I can get to the really good part of the sandwich, why the fuck don't I just go and buy a sandwich that isn't half poop?
I'm going to throw a little advice to writers out there regarding the mega-novel. If you are going to create a world full of characters, you can't spend the first novel giving out exposition. You're not going to be able to build that world in a book, Exposition is boring as all hell, and I'll be damned if I'll crunch through seven hundred pages of ass-flavored explanation. Also, it couldn't hurt to write a goddamn outline. A beginning, middle and an end. Don't sit here and wax the 'I'm surprised and shocked by where my characters lead me' schtick. If your characters surprise you, then you don't know your characters well enough. You know who got surprised by their characters? The writers of Lost. Look how that turned out.
The only series I've read that I thought was really well done was the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. I've only read one book of the MaddAddam series by Margaret Atwood, and I hear the rest is as good as the first book, Oryx and Crake. I've also got a mind to read the Discworld books by Terry Pratchett, the few I've read are hilarious. If someone thinks that they can recommend me a book series, I'll sit down and read it. Keep in mind though, I'm a notorious asshole, so much so that French people have been put off regarding my criticism.
I'm not against fantasy, nor am I against the mega-novel. I've yet to read a fantasy book besides Terry Pratchett's stuff that didn't have it's head up it's ass, though (I'm looking at you, Terry Goodkind). I've yet to read a mega-novel that wasn't boring as fuck for the first novel or two and a goddamn mess of loose ends by the seventh or eighth book. BUT, if you have some suggestions, send 'em my way. I can burn through a book pretty quickly.
Every piece of media these days is a series, whether it's books, movies, television, or video games. I think all of it could benefit from the 'True Detective' model, the acclaimed television series. If you're going to have a brand, there is nothing wrong with a self-contained story that takes up a single season. I thought that entire production was phenomenally done. I think the mega-novels could learn from that. But hey, if you want to write a dozen novels or have nine movies that all carry the same characters and converge on the same plot, be my guest. Keep and mind that trying to weave a pattern with hundreds of strings is difficult even if you have an idea of the tapestry your creating. If you don't have an idea, don't be surprise if your blanket looks like trash.
TL;DR: If you're writing a series of novels, have a goddamn point. They call it 'theming'. And don't take yourself so goddamn seriously. Also, The Lord of the Ring series was racist.
Sincerely,
The Illustrious Mr. Charlton
p.s. Seriously though, I'll read anything. Send some ideas this way.
p.s.s. And writers, stay the fuck away from adverbs. No one 'closes the door firmly'.
p.s.s.s. You see any black elves or hobbits or wizards in LOTR? I didn't.
My friend got me started on 'The Malazan Book of the Fallen' series, a ten book mega-novel that spans three continents (maybe more), more characters than I have appendages, and god knows how many wizards, assassins, thieves, ghosts, demons, gods, races, species and animals that have been made up.
It is ok.
It's cheesy. Shit, one of the character's name is 'WhiskeyJack'. The author came up with the name by looking at the bottle of Jack Daniels he was obviously drinking for breakfast. Or the classic 'throw in a bunch of apostrophes' names such as 'Dhul'Lik'Ko'Meh', as if I'm going to announce that every time this asshole walks into a room.
The Fantasy Writer's Axe of Creativity.
I like books. I like to read. I think everyone does if they're given the right books. Not to long before I started this Malazan series, the very same friend gave me a book called 'Bolo!' (yes, there was in fact an exclamation at the end of the title). That book was about sentient tanks in the future. It was cheesy as sin and not exactly well written. But I ate it up! I couldn't put the stupid book down. What I noticed between the cheesy sci-fi novel and the cheesy fantasy novel has been one reoccurring theme between the two genres. Sci-fi novels are most often pretty tongue and cheek, and the sci-fi that doesn't tends to be grounded in a fair amount of reality. Fantasy almost always takes itself too seriously, and well....
Look dude, or dudette, or in-between, whatever, if you're going to have fucking orcs and dragons and flying beetles the size of volkswagens in your stories, I'm gonna have a hard time taking anything else seriously. Ooooooo, a large battle between warring nations is looming on the horizon? Better hop on your flying cat-snake and find the amulet of 'Who'gives'a'shit', 'cause apparently a magic talisman is the only thing that will win the war. Somehow the winged ferret made the social overtones of your story harder to take seriously.
Need a fantasy creature? Just add wings!
Fantasy is not a serious subject that some people take way too seriously. I'm not a fan of the 'A Song of Ice and Fire' series, also known to people who only watch TV as 'Game of Thrones'. The show is alright. I tried to read the first novel in the book series years ago and I couldn't even get half way through. How many goddamn things have to 'glisten', George RR Martin? Everything in your universe glistens. That whole goddamn world is breathing heavily and sweating, It's like your fatass decided to take the stairs for once. An entire, way-too-long, pulsating, heaving series.
And that's my biggest gripe with the whole fantasy genre. Everything is a series, this mega-novel garbage. I hear this bullshit all the time, "The first book or two, he's just warming up and finding his voice. It gets REALLY good after that". Really? I have to read over a thousand pages of mediocre crap to get to the good part? That is the very definition of a shit sandwich. If I have to chow down on poop just so I can get to the really good part of the sandwich, why the fuck don't I just go and buy a sandwich that isn't half poop?
No poop on my clubhouse, thank you
I'm going to throw a little advice to writers out there regarding the mega-novel. If you are going to create a world full of characters, you can't spend the first novel giving out exposition. You're not going to be able to build that world in a book, Exposition is boring as all hell, and I'll be damned if I'll crunch through seven hundred pages of ass-flavored explanation. Also, it couldn't hurt to write a goddamn outline. A beginning, middle and an end. Don't sit here and wax the 'I'm surprised and shocked by where my characters lead me' schtick. If your characters surprise you, then you don't know your characters well enough. You know who got surprised by their characters? The writers of Lost. Look how that turned out.
The only series I've read that I thought was really well done was the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. I've only read one book of the MaddAddam series by Margaret Atwood, and I hear the rest is as good as the first book, Oryx and Crake. I've also got a mind to read the Discworld books by Terry Pratchett, the few I've read are hilarious. If someone thinks that they can recommend me a book series, I'll sit down and read it. Keep in mind though, I'm a notorious asshole, so much so that French people have been put off regarding my criticism.
I'm not against fantasy, nor am I against the mega-novel. I've yet to read a fantasy book besides Terry Pratchett's stuff that didn't have it's head up it's ass, though (I'm looking at you, Terry Goodkind). I've yet to read a mega-novel that wasn't boring as fuck for the first novel or two and a goddamn mess of loose ends by the seventh or eighth book. BUT, if you have some suggestions, send 'em my way. I can burn through a book pretty quickly.
Every piece of media these days is a series, whether it's books, movies, television, or video games. I think all of it could benefit from the 'True Detective' model, the acclaimed television series. If you're going to have a brand, there is nothing wrong with a self-contained story that takes up a single season. I thought that entire production was phenomenally done. I think the mega-novels could learn from that. But hey, if you want to write a dozen novels or have nine movies that all carry the same characters and converge on the same plot, be my guest. Keep and mind that trying to weave a pattern with hundreds of strings is difficult even if you have an idea of the tapestry your creating. If you don't have an idea, don't be surprise if your blanket looks like trash.
TL;DR: If you're writing a series of novels, have a goddamn point. They call it 'theming'. And don't take yourself so goddamn seriously. Also, The Lord of the Ring series was racist.
Middle Earth was a great neighborhood before these guys moved in.
Sincerely,
The Illustrious Mr. Charlton
p.s. Seriously though, I'll read anything. Send some ideas this way.
p.s.s. And writers, stay the fuck away from adverbs. No one 'closes the door firmly'.
p.s.s.s. You see any black elves or hobbits or wizards in LOTR? I didn't.
Sunday 24 May 2015
Avengers 2: An Irrelevant Review
So I went and saw the new Avengers movie, Avengers 2: Age of Ultron. Now, I'm about to give my opinion about this film, as well as the Marvel Franchise as a whole. If you're the kind of person who gives a shit about spoilers, then I'd go read something else.
Spoiler; Avengers 2: Age of Ultron sucks.
I liked the first Avenger movie, I thought it was entertaining. It was fun to see a whole bunch of superheroes on the screen. To say it was some sort of masterpiece would be a stretch, but it was a good movie, at least I thought. It was a stand alone movie; if you hadn't seen the other Marvel movies like Iron Man or Captain America, you could still follow along and have it make sense. For the most part.
Unfortunately, it taken the 'comic book' part of the comic book movie to heart. And I'm hear to tell you that comic books are stupid.
This isn't an opinion, it's a fact. It's the same reason why Star Wars is stupid. The same reason I really don't have an interest in watching the fifth season of Game of Thrones. It's a trend that has been rising in the last decade especially. It's the mega-novel problem.
Right now we're clamoring for huge worlds, bigger stories, more characters. We're not satisfied with a stand alone movie, a novel that has no sequel, or anything that isn't a franchise. Comic books have had this problems for decades. Numerous reboots with dozens of different writers have created this bizarre world of multiple universes. This is fine for comics, because firstly, they're idiotic and secondly, they're designed this way because you need a new story every month. That's the format. You're expected to read the entire story arc. A single comic by itself rarely makes any sense whatsoever.
That's where the Avengers 2 fails. If you haven't seen Iron Man, Thor, Captain America: The First Avenger, The Hulk (the 2008 version, not the 2003 version), Iron Man 2, Thor 2:The Dark World, Iron Man 3, Captain America 2: The Winter Soldier, well, then the Avengers 2 isn't going to make any sense. If you've missed any of these films, then the chemistry between the characters isn't always going to make sense. Shucks, you might not even recognize some of the characters (who the fuck is War Machine?).
I'm a firm believer that in order for a film to succeed as a movie, it needs to be able to stand on it's own. I shouldn't have to sit and watch fifteen hours of back story in order to grasp what's happening in a film. I can't really blame the screenwriting either. How the hell do you juggle ten different characters? Television can kind of get away with this, Game of Thrones does alright with multiple characters, but even that is starting to get pretty thin. It also has the luxury of the new television format. Ten folks in a two and a half hour span is starting to stretch the limits of a narrative.
Avengers 2 was the exact same movie as the first. The stakes weren't raised (they have to save the world, again!), the plot was the same (team gets together, falls apart, gets together again), and the action was the same (Crazy epic superhero battles!). Aside from the slightly clever little arc with Hawkeye and the lame love story between the Hulk and Black Widow that took up 3% of screen time between the action porn, it was the same movie.
I'll be honest, I was bored to tears through most of it, waiting for it to be over. The whole Marvel franchise was sort of refreshing at first, but has gotten stale. It's the cinematic version of Olive Garden. It loved it when I was a teen, but as I got older I realized it's the same lousy Italian food every time I go. I don't go to Olive Garden anymore, and I doubt I'll go watch another Marvel film.
But hey, Marvel is putting out the new 'Ant-Man' movie this summer. I'm sure that'll be great, right?
Sincerely,
The Illustrious Mr. Charlton
p.s. Seriously, Ant-Man? I wonder if it'll be two hours of Stan Lee scraping the barrel.
p.s.s. I really only wrote this review because I'm going to shit all over the rise of the mega novels in the next post. Fuck George RR Martin.
Spoiler; Avengers 2: Age of Ultron sucks.
Two and a half hours reduced to one picture
I liked the first Avenger movie, I thought it was entertaining. It was fun to see a whole bunch of superheroes on the screen. To say it was some sort of masterpiece would be a stretch, but it was a good movie, at least I thought. It was a stand alone movie; if you hadn't seen the other Marvel movies like Iron Man or Captain America, you could still follow along and have it make sense. For the most part.
Unfortunately, it taken the 'comic book' part of the comic book movie to heart. And I'm hear to tell you that comic books are stupid.
Star Wars comics are twice as stupid
This isn't an opinion, it's a fact. It's the same reason why Star Wars is stupid. The same reason I really don't have an interest in watching the fifth season of Game of Thrones. It's a trend that has been rising in the last decade especially. It's the mega-novel problem.
Right now we're clamoring for huge worlds, bigger stories, more characters. We're not satisfied with a stand alone movie, a novel that has no sequel, or anything that isn't a franchise. Comic books have had this problems for decades. Numerous reboots with dozens of different writers have created this bizarre world of multiple universes. This is fine for comics, because firstly, they're idiotic and secondly, they're designed this way because you need a new story every month. That's the format. You're expected to read the entire story arc. A single comic by itself rarely makes any sense whatsoever.
That's where the Avengers 2 fails. If you haven't seen Iron Man, Thor, Captain America: The First Avenger, The Hulk (the 2008 version, not the 2003 version), Iron Man 2, Thor 2:The Dark World, Iron Man 3, Captain America 2: The Winter Soldier, well, then the Avengers 2 isn't going to make any sense. If you've missed any of these films, then the chemistry between the characters isn't always going to make sense. Shucks, you might not even recognize some of the characters (who the fuck is War Machine?).
I'm a firm believer that in order for a film to succeed as a movie, it needs to be able to stand on it's own. I shouldn't have to sit and watch fifteen hours of back story in order to grasp what's happening in a film. I can't really blame the screenwriting either. How the hell do you juggle ten different characters? Television can kind of get away with this, Game of Thrones does alright with multiple characters, but even that is starting to get pretty thin. It also has the luxury of the new television format. Ten folks in a two and a half hour span is starting to stretch the limits of a narrative.
Avengers 2 was the exact same movie as the first. The stakes weren't raised (they have to save the world, again!), the plot was the same (team gets together, falls apart, gets together again), and the action was the same (Crazy epic superhero battles!). Aside from the slightly clever little arc with Hawkeye and the lame love story between the Hulk and Black Widow that took up 3% of screen time between the action porn, it was the same movie.
I'll be honest, I was bored to tears through most of it, waiting for it to be over. The whole Marvel franchise was sort of refreshing at first, but has gotten stale. It's the cinematic version of Olive Garden. It loved it when I was a teen, but as I got older I realized it's the same lousy Italian food every time I go. I don't go to Olive Garden anymore, and I doubt I'll go watch another Marvel film.
But hey, Marvel is putting out the new 'Ant-Man' movie this summer. I'm sure that'll be great, right?
Sincerely,
The Illustrious Mr. Charlton
p.s. Seriously, Ant-Man? I wonder if it'll be two hours of Stan Lee scraping the barrel.
p.s.s. I really only wrote this review because I'm going to shit all over the rise of the mega novels in the next post. Fuck George RR Martin.
Wednesday 20 May 2015
The Dad Bod Craze
Jesus Fuck. I can't believe I'm writing about this. The fact I have to explain some things to grown adults is startling, I'd like everyone to put on some boots and some rubber gloves, 'cause we're about to go wading in some shit.
A month and a half ago, a young woman by the name Mackenzie Pearson wrote an article titled "Why Girls Love the Dad Bod". It was a harmless little article that, summed up, stated that Mackenzie was attracted to guys who weren't in top physical condition. She wasn't into dudes who use words like 'shredded' or 'severe body-dysmorphia' to describe themselves. Cool, whatever. Personally, I've resigned to the idea that I like being skinny and limber, but, you know, whatever. Unfortunately, the internet decided to build a brick house by collectively shitting one out.
Numerous articles starting popping up, either praising the new movement as a godsend, or denouncing it as some sort of Jihad against gym rats. When I say blow up, this article exploded into articles, podcasts and was talked about on air, covered by major news channels such as CNN and FOX. Here, I did a search for you.
Now, I've got a bit of news for you, dad bod dudes. Even though it's hard to believe, women around the world who read this article didn't lobotomize themselves into finding this sexy. It's tough to fathom, but there's no switch on the backside of women that has an 'on/off' switch for dudes rocking a gut. That's not how it works. Our friend Mackenzie was stating a preference that's pretty well known in the world of people who have the slightest shred of perception on human sexuality. People have a preference that varies among person to person. Some women dig the dad bod! Some women love guys with washboard abs and veiny arms. It was like that before the article and it will continue to be like that well after the article is forgotten about.
I'm not surprised that a bunch of lazy guys got up to pat themselves on the back after this article was released. I'm a little more surprised at the fitness side of the line, though. The amount of whining that came from that camp was deafening. It seems that every motivational image that shouted 'I get in shape for ME!' of 'The only thing I'm trying to be better than is myself from YESTERDAY!' was the load of bullshit most of us thought it out to be. Most fit dudes aren't doing it for themselves, and have now gotten themselves into a frothy mess now that they've realised that not every woman on the planet wants to have sex with them.
Look, meat heads. I get it, you're upset. You've worked really hard, and have now realized that not everybody wants to bang a human version of a Lamborghini. Welcome back to reality. Dad bods, kudos to you. You've now been presented with information confirming that, even though you don't look like Brad Pitt, someone may actually find you attractive. Crazy, I know. Just keep in mind that the number one cause of premature deaths to males is heart disease. You may want to put down the pizza and take the goddamn stairs every once and a while.
So yay, we can now celebrate all sorts of different body shapes. For men. Sorry ladies, we'd still like you to maintain the figure of an eighteen year old stripper. This body acceptance thing is a boys only club, 'cause the only thing that accessorizes a double chin is a double standard.
Sincerely,
The Illustrious Mr. Charlton
p.s. Just so everyone is aware, my calves look like granite wrapped in silk. Don't skip leg day.
p.s.s. Leg day? What I actually meant is that my calves are big because I walk around the house on the balls of my feet like a ninja.
p.s.s.s. Probably more like a ballerina, to be honest.
p.s.s.s.s. The prettiest ballerina, I might add.
(1) - Brick building by Henry Mühlpfordt
A month and a half ago, a young woman by the name Mackenzie Pearson wrote an article titled "Why Girls Love the Dad Bod". It was a harmless little article that, summed up, stated that Mackenzie was attracted to guys who weren't in top physical condition. She wasn't into dudes who use words like 'shredded' or 'severe body-dysmorphia' to describe themselves. Cool, whatever. Personally, I've resigned to the idea that I like being skinny and limber, but, you know, whatever. Unfortunately, the internet decided to build a brick house by collectively shitting one out.
The Internet's Poop House (1)
Numerous articles starting popping up, either praising the new movement as a godsend, or denouncing it as some sort of Jihad against gym rats. When I say blow up, this article exploded into articles, podcasts and was talked about on air, covered by major news channels such as CNN and FOX. Here, I did a search for you.
Now, I've got a bit of news for you, dad bod dudes. Even though it's hard to believe, women around the world who read this article didn't lobotomize themselves into finding this sexy. It's tough to fathom, but there's no switch on the backside of women that has an 'on/off' switch for dudes rocking a gut. That's not how it works. Our friend Mackenzie was stating a preference that's pretty well known in the world of people who have the slightest shred of perception on human sexuality. People have a preference that varies among person to person. Some women dig the dad bod! Some women love guys with washboard abs and veiny arms. It was like that before the article and it will continue to be like that well after the article is forgotten about.
I'm not surprised that a bunch of lazy guys got up to pat themselves on the back after this article was released. I'm a little more surprised at the fitness side of the line, though. The amount of whining that came from that camp was deafening. It seems that every motivational image that shouted 'I get in shape for ME!' of 'The only thing I'm trying to be better than is myself from YESTERDAY!' was the load of bullshit most of us thought it out to be. Most fit dudes aren't doing it for themselves, and have now gotten themselves into a frothy mess now that they've realised that not every woman on the planet wants to have sex with them.
I WORKED SO HARD
Look, meat heads. I get it, you're upset. You've worked really hard, and have now realized that not everybody wants to bang a human version of a Lamborghini. Welcome back to reality. Dad bods, kudos to you. You've now been presented with information confirming that, even though you don't look like Brad Pitt, someone may actually find you attractive. Crazy, I know. Just keep in mind that the number one cause of premature deaths to males is heart disease. You may want to put down the pizza and take the goddamn stairs every once and a while.
So yay, we can now celebrate all sorts of different body shapes. For men. Sorry ladies, we'd still like you to maintain the figure of an eighteen year old stripper. This body acceptance thing is a boys only club, 'cause the only thing that accessorizes a double chin is a double standard.
Sincerely,
The Illustrious Mr. Charlton
p.s. Just so everyone is aware, my calves look like granite wrapped in silk. Don't skip leg day.
p.s.s. Leg day? What I actually meant is that my calves are big because I walk around the house on the balls of my feet like a ninja.
p.s.s.s. Probably more like a ballerina, to be honest.
p.s.s.s.s. The prettiest ballerina, I might add.
(1) - Brick building by Henry Mühlpfordt
Wednesday 6 May 2015
Why the NDP was a Bad Choice
If you would have told me a month ago that the NDP in Alberta would be holding a solid majority, I would have politely told you 'When Hell Freezes Over'. Well, it's been snowing in Edmonton today, so close enough. It looks like Sata....I mean Jim Prentice, will have to find new digs, as from the looks of his speech last night I'm certain he's about to go pout somewhere down in Phoenix, Arizona.
I kid.
Right now all of my friends who worked hard campaigning for the NDP are nursing well deserved hangovers, my journalist friends are busy typing away at twitter and getting the message out, my teacher friends are happy they might actually get the funding they need to make sure the next generation doesn't grow up to be absolute fuckheads, and finally my conservative friends who work in the oil and gas industry are currently making that noise that a dog makes when you spray it in the face with a water hose.
The PCs have been in power forty four years here in Alberta. Like all parties who hold the throne for that long, they got complacent, lazy, and arrogant. Our coffers are dry. The PCs sucked resources away from education, health care, and social programs in exchange for tax cuts for incredibly wealthy corporations. Alberta is an oil province, for sure, and that isn't going to change in the next four years, I can guarantee you that. But the idea that foreign companies get a pass while the citizens of the province have to carry the tax burden is something that obviously wasn't sitting well for the people who went out and cast their votes yesterday.
The big observation I want to make is that the NDP earned this one, if only for the fact they seemed to be the only ones who were campaigning. All my conservative friends, well, didn't. It proves something radical is happening in Alberta, and that's the triumph of a grass roots movement. It happened when Naheed Nenshi got voted in as Mayor of Calgary, It happened to Don Iverson when he got voted in as Mayor of Edmonton. Last night it happened again with the NDP with Rachel Notley at the helm. As a citizen of a democratic society, you are involved in politics whether you want to be or not. If you want change, get out on the streets and make change. Voting is the absolute bare minimum.
As for my opinion, I'm cautiously optimistic. They're rookies, for sure, but change can be a good thing, and I'm the kind of guy who gets excited when the pot is stirred. A good friend of mine once said "Not knowing the future is cool" and I have to agree. I'm not sure what the next four years will hold for Alberta, but one thing is certain. It has proven that the little people can make a difference.
Sincerely,
The Illustrious Mr. Charlton
p.s. The Title? Total Clickbait. But hey, you clicked, didn't you?
I kid.
Right now all of my friends who worked hard campaigning for the NDP are nursing well deserved hangovers, my journalist friends are busy typing away at twitter and getting the message out, my teacher friends are happy they might actually get the funding they need to make sure the next generation doesn't grow up to be absolute fuckheads, and finally my conservative friends who work in the oil and gas industry are currently making that noise that a dog makes when you spray it in the face with a water hose.
WHARRGARBL
The PCs have been in power forty four years here in Alberta. Like all parties who hold the throne for that long, they got complacent, lazy, and arrogant. Our coffers are dry. The PCs sucked resources away from education, health care, and social programs in exchange for tax cuts for incredibly wealthy corporations. Alberta is an oil province, for sure, and that isn't going to change in the next four years, I can guarantee you that. But the idea that foreign companies get a pass while the citizens of the province have to carry the tax burden is something that obviously wasn't sitting well for the people who went out and cast their votes yesterday.
The big observation I want to make is that the NDP earned this one, if only for the fact they seemed to be the only ones who were campaigning. All my conservative friends, well, didn't. It proves something radical is happening in Alberta, and that's the triumph of a grass roots movement. It happened when Naheed Nenshi got voted in as Mayor of Calgary, It happened to Don Iverson when he got voted in as Mayor of Edmonton. Last night it happened again with the NDP with Rachel Notley at the helm. As a citizen of a democratic society, you are involved in politics whether you want to be or not. If you want change, get out on the streets and make change. Voting is the absolute bare minimum.
Or, you know, put up some signs or something
As for my opinion, I'm cautiously optimistic. They're rookies, for sure, but change can be a good thing, and I'm the kind of guy who gets excited when the pot is stirred. A good friend of mine once said "Not knowing the future is cool" and I have to agree. I'm not sure what the next four years will hold for Alberta, but one thing is certain. It has proven that the little people can make a difference.
Sincerely,
The Illustrious Mr. Charlton
p.s. The Title? Total Clickbait. But hey, you clicked, didn't you?
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